Who Are We?

The Captains Memos was born during a highly intense swashbuckling duel between 2 invincible salty dogs. During one of their 15 minute breaks (Come on everyone needs a break every now and then) they came up with an idea on how to make peoples lives better.

They had to let the world know. Since being stranded on an island, they created a vessel out of some tree branches, bubble gum, an old rusty muffler from a 1973 Plymouth Satellite and a pack post-it notes. Using their super pirate skills, they completed the vessel in about 37 hours and 53 minutes. Mind you they were swashbuckling the entire time they were building because they will always be enemies.

Once they sailed and arrived at the nearest port of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico they got extremely shitfaced and knocked up several local hookers. Their names not to be disclosed for legal reasons. Nine months later, the Mexican hookers had six five extremely angry babies. The Captains Memos were officially born. Mind you, the Captains are not Mexican, just their whore mothers are. If you would like to know more about each Captain, please read their bio below.

Warning: Some of their stories might be extremely stupid.

Captain Yar
The moment Yar dropped out of his Mexican mommy, he was hell bent on destruction. The doctor who birthed Yar had never seen a baby born with an eye patch before and questioned this. Baby Yar immediately sliced his ass in half. About 2-300 years later after being kicked out of a Jeopardy taping for bringing an airhorn, Yar was eating a pepperoni pizza hot pocket when he burnt himself. So enraged by the event, he took a plane to the Hot Pocket factory and held them hostage. After several hours of negotiation with the police, he agreed to take place in TheCaptainsMemos.com. I did forget to mention that he originally chose prison over The Captains Memos, but no prison would take him, so he had no other option. So, to this day, Captain Yar has been attending anger management, alcohol anonymous, and swashbuckling addiction meetings and he is progressing. Help us by reading his and the other Captains Memos.

Captain Polish
The lone Polish-speaking pirate planted the seed that bore Captain Polish. Born is not the best word to describe Polish’s origins, he bum rushed out of the Mexican whores womb and dominated the nearest bathroom (potty-training be damned). Young Polish took up drinking, competitive eating, and fighting at the young age of five often against older, more experienced, fatter pirates along the Gulf of Mexico. At age 18, Young Polish ended up in New Orleans drinking Absynthe and wrestling in the streets Luche Libre style daily. The young sea hags of the city clinged to Young Polish until he was able to master them with a 2 x 4 ultimately earning his Captainship. Captain Polish continued to travel across the seas dominating minions in Luche Libre, drinking excessively, and giving out hadukens to all within reach until one haduken backfired and sent him sprawling for cover in a Texas whorehouse. To this day, Captain Polish still remains in Texas waiting to break free after years worth of paranoia of his own farts.