Let’s face it – we all love our condiments. They make bland food taste better and horrible food edible. I know for certain that everyone has some sort of interaction with condiments. You might have some sort of ketchup fetish whereas your special lady or lover really loves mayonnaise piled all over everything she eats. I’ve seen it happen and it’s gross, but understandable. On a related note: Captain Yar told me some fetish he has with wasabi and soy that’ll blow your mind.
One thing is for certain with condiments, no two people can agree upon the best ones. Thank god for the Captains. Here’s the top ten condiments we believe you should be utilizing in your daily lives:
#10 – Gold’s Horseradish Sauce
Horseradish sauce? Yes. This shit is amazing. It has the power to spice up roast beef, pork loin, and Captain Polish’s favorite ethnic food – kielbasa. It also clears your sinuses out which is a plus if you have frequent attacks. The only downside to Horseradish Sauce is that it’s potency doesn’t last long after opened, especially Gold’s. That’s why you need to dominate this as fast as you can. Gentlemen, trying to impress a lady’s father? Bring over a bottle of this next time you go over for dinner and challenge the old man to eat some with you. He’ll never look at you the same way again.
#9- Anchor Bar Buffalo Wing Sauce
Chicken wings comprise the 5th food group from late August until the end of February. Every man loves his chicken wings (unless you’re a nacho fan) and what better to spice them up then by adding some special sauce to the mix. Anchor Bar sauce is to wings what the spread formation is to the West Coast offense – it’s a necessity. The chicken wing was created in Buffalo (hence the Buffalo wing) and so was this sauce. Do yourself a favor and pick this up for your fridge. Not only does it work well on chicken wings, but try on boneless chicken and pork to spice it up a bit.
#8 – Kikkoman Soy Sauce
Soy sauce is not a necessity unless you order Chinese food out more than 4-6 times a month. We here at TCM HQ do hence the reason for it checking in at #8 on the list. Kikkoman’s is the way to go with soy sauce. Just check out the crazy looking bottle. It looks like something straight out of Mad Max that was used in the ring – “Two man enter, one man leave!” In all honesty though, Kikkoman’s is where it’s at if you have to do Chinese, Japanese, Korean, or even Thai. I believe any Asian restaurateur would tell you the same.
#7 – French’s Worcestershire Sauce
An odd position for this unpronounceable sauce (basically pronounced wus-tur), but it’s necessary. French’s concoction is great on steaks, chops, and hamburgers. A buddy of mine introduced me to this last summer when grilling some burgers and my life has not been the same since. The sauce adds a lot of flavor to the burger making other condiments not necessary when it comes time to eat. It’s definitely not a must need table top condiment, but when used correctly, you can forgo using others on this impressive list.
#6 – Hellman’s Mayonnaise
I used to think this mayonnaise was the nastiest thing in the world. Then I started eating sandwiches and realized how great it goes with Turkey – the end all deli meat. I’ve tried just about every other mayo you can think or, even the light ones, and the only one that tastes right is Hellman’s. It’s simply the best. Next time you’re out at the corner deli, call for some mayo on whatever you’re going with. Oil and vinegar are good too, but mayo beats them in a fight hands down.
#5 – A1 Steak Sauce
If a steak is done just right, no condiments are necessary. But you can’t cook your steak whenever you go out to eat so you’ll need this product. A1 introduced me to how great steak can be when sitting at my parents kitchen table about fifteen years ago. It made it taste bold. Once I tasted this sweet nectar, I immediately looked over at my old man, saw him dominating his steak (fat and all), and realized that this is what men eat. Steak and A1. Ever since that day, I love both. I don’t use A1 on every steak I eat. It’s just reserved for those that lack flavor and soul. A1 also dresses up burgers, pork, and chicken well too.
#4 – Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce
Captain Yar and I made this discovery at the same time this past summer when camping out on the Delaware River. Sweet Baby Ray’s blew our minds. While Captain Kirk forgot the Ketchup (subsequently being banished out of the campsite), Lugo came up big with Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce. This went on everything we cooked from chicken to hamburgers to hot dogs to even steak I believe. We weren’t prepared for all the food we had brought with us, but Sweet Baby Ray’s acted as the end all condiment. I’ve always had a soft spot for BBQ sauce. It’s gives anything an amazing taste. Pick this up and give it a whirl. You won’t be disappointed.
#3 – Frank’s Red Hot Sauce
Frank’s is the most underrated condiment, period. It goes on everything. My first week in college I learned about 10 new uses for red hot – popcorn, eggs, steak, pancakes, home fries, easy mac, ramen, soup, mashed potatoes, and tater tots. It’s arguably the greatest sidekick since Robin. Frank’s red hot should be bought in bulk and stored on pallets if you have the space.
#2 – Gulden’s Spicy Brown Mustard
I never really liked mustard growing up, but one day that changed. I think I was at a Mets game and just decided to get a hot dog without ketchup. The mustard was Gulden’s spicy brown and my life was changed forever. Mustard is amazing. It’s a great substitute for just about any condiment you can think of. It’s so strong it can substitute for ketchup, mayo, and BBQ sauce – now that’s saying something. The thing about mustard is that there are so many different variations, you tend to purchase the wrong one every now and then. You need to read the label. I’ve been rocking spicy brown for the last few years and I have no regrets. I actually stopped using mayo a year ago in favor of mustard on my turkey sandwiches. Try it. It may change your life.
#1 – Heinz Ketchup
What can I say that hasn’t been said about Heinz Ketchup? This is the greatest condiment ever, hands down. Why? Because you’ll at least try another BBQ or hot sauce, mustard or mayo when you’re away from home, but never ketchup – it always needs to be Heinz. Whenever I go somewhere and they don’t have Heinz, I become very skeptical of their operation. I think they’re trying to secretly poison me. Heinz ketchup makes any food taste better. This is truly the end all condiment.