Winter Olympic events that should exist

If you did not know by know, the Olympics are in full swing over there in Sochi, Russia. A lot of great events are taking place. But there are also a lot of great events that are not taking place. Today, we will look at some of those Winter Olympic events that should exist but unfortunately do not.

Polar Bear Plunge
Polar Bear Plunge
What is it?: It is an event where crazy ass people get on their swim trunks in the months of December, January and/or February and go swimming in some cold ass water. Why, you ask? The reason behind it varies. Could be a charity event, a lost bet, or just the mass consumption of alcohol leading you to this frigid ass decision. Whatever it be, this would be an interesting event to watch.
How does one win?: It probably would be judged by who could stay in the water the longest. Or whoever does the best belly flop. Either way, it’s a win win for the viewer.
Projected Gold Medalist: Russia
Ok, but why them?: I’m pretty sure all Russians are decedents of bears, so they have a slight advantage.

Reindeer Racing
Reindeer Racing

What is it?: This is an actual sport that has people, on skis, strapped up to reindeer looking like a dog chasing after a ball. I wonder how this sport got started. Two drunk Norwegians looking out into a field of reindeer.
“Hey, let’s get our skis and strap up to a couple of reindeer and race ’em.”
“Sounds good to me.”
And the sport of reindeer racing was born.
How does one win?: Person with the fastest reindeer.
Projected Gold Medalist: Norway
Ok, but why them?: Since it looks like they invented the sport, they better be the best.

Snowball Fighting
Snowball Fighting
What is it?: You and a group of other people gather, make balls out of snow and throw them at each other. In real life the winner is the one who hits someone else in the ear with a snowball and makes them cry.
How does one win?: In the Olympic event, it would be kind of like this. Except with snowballs. The looser is the one who cries first.
Projected Gold Medalist: United States
Ok, but why them?: The US team would be comprised of all NFL quarterbacks and MLB pitchers.

Dog Sledding
Reindeer Racing
What is it?: There is a sled that is attached to dogs. Those dogs run their furry little butts off at the crack of your whip hoping that there is a fat juicy steak awaiting them as to wherever they’re going.
How does one win?: One with the fastest dogs. See the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race.
Projected Gold Medalist: Canada
Ok, but why them?: That’s how Canadians commute. They better be damn good at it.

Old Fashioned Sledding
Old Fashioned Sledding
What is it?: Grab yourself a garbage can lid, lunch tray, or even your buddy and head to the top of your nearest snow covered hill. Sit on said garbage can lid/lunch tray/buddy and slide down that hill. Laugh, avoid trees, repeat. That is sledding.
How does one win?: Fastest to the bottom.
Projected Gold Medalist: United States
Ok, but why them?: It’s America. We would use industrial grease all up on our sleds to go faster and win.

Ice Luge Racing
Ice Luge Racing
What is it?: Take a big block of ice and carve out a little path. Stand at the end of carved path with mouth open then pour liquor down carved path into awaiting mouth. The concept is very simple and amazing.
How does one win?: Fastest to finish their pour with minimal spillage.
Projected Gold Medalist: Scotland or Ireland. This one is up for debate.
Ok, but why them?: The Scottish and the Irish are usually synonymous with being drunks. Since the drink of choice is whiskey (Or whisky for your Scotch lovers), this game should be an easy win for them.

And whatever the fuck this is

What is it?: Looks like people have seizures on skis. Albeit, very artful seizures.
How does one win?: Ones that look the gayest most graceful.
Projected Gold Medalist: France
Ok, but why them?: I don’t know, I feel like this is something the French would be good at.

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