Run Like An Ape

A couple years ago, Captain Yar sent me an email titled “Run Like An Ape.” I was intrigued, opened it up, and pretty much found the email version of Billy Mays, except for fitness. That’s right kids, I found Matt Furey:

From what I’ve learned about this guy, it’s pretty safe to say that he can kick your ass, my ass, and even Arnold’s ass (he went pussy and stopped terminating shit and became the Governator instead).

Furey teaches what he calls combat conditioning where you can become unbelievably strong by lifting your own body weight and stretching out your muscles. I’ve tried his techniques out and they kick your ass. They also make you look like a pussy at the gym, but what can you do.

No, I’m not here to make an official endorsement for Matt Furey and what he calls his inner circle. I’m here to share his intense blast emails I’ve received ever since that day Captain Yar decided to email me.

I know, is this post worthy you ask? Check out a sample:

I got up at six this morning to start my day. Grabbed the Matt Furey Exercise Bible – (a carton-illustrated deck of poker cards that get you into the best shape of your life) and began cranking out the reps. Sweat began to pour of me like water off a dolphin. Within minutes I was drenched. Here on Hainan Island it’s hot. And it humid. And the day starts and ends that way. We’re talking “the tropics.”

After 10 minutes I had a puddle of sweat and I didn’t know if I was going to finish or not. But it was a battle between ME and the cards – and I don’t like losing to a deck of cards – even if they’re named after me. So I continued.

Next thing you know I am sopped in sweat. I am blitzed from head to toe – and in between, too. In my mind I went back and forth between “I can’t do this,” and “Doesn’t matter, you’re doing it anyway.” I went through two bottles of water. I was grossly insufficient.

I wanted my mommy. I wanted my daddy. I wanted a nipple to suckle. I became delirious. I saw Jesus walking across the water. That was nice. Then I saw Beelzebub. I didn’t like him much.

Imagine this every other day. The man is insane. Thank you Captain Yar for hooking me up with these emails. I feel more stable ever since I realized there were psycho’s out there like Matt Furey to compare myself to.

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