The Olympics officially start today over in good ol’ Sochi, Russia. By the time you read this, they will have already started. Fun. And I’m sure you have heard about the pretty crappy conditions over there. Yea, pretty crappy. If you’re in Sochi and you’ve got no place to stay and have some extra free time, then check out our 6 other things to do while in Sochi. You’ll thank us later…and hopefully not from a Russian prison.
6 – Check out the Anchor and Cannon Monument
I mean, come on! Why the fuck wouldn’t you want to visit the Anchor and Cannon Monument!? What the hell is so good about it you ask? Well, it is an anchor. And a cannon. Together as a monument! Well, yea. I guess that’s it. It was fun for the whole 3 seconds it took to look at it. Next!
5 – Stalin’s Summer Home
So Sochi is apparently where the man himself, Josef Stalin, likes to spend his summers. Well, alright. Looking at the photo above, the man wasn’t exactly the greatest exterior decorator. Green must have been his thing. Or then again, it could be because it was Josef Stalin, man could do whatever he damn well pleases. In Soviet Russia, house builds you!
4 – Churchill, Roosevelt and Stalin Monument
Another monument!? Yes, it is Russia we’re talking about here. What’s so special about this one you ask? Well, what is there to say that a faithful Russian couldn’t say through the magical powers of Google Translate:
And they do not look like each of them historically recognized image. No greatness, cause, oddly enough, sorry. And those who were really great, who opposed the power of their will, mind. force their states monster fascism!
Monster Fascism. Well said, Ivan.
3 – Visit Riviera Park
Well, I’ll be damned. Sochi has it’s own amusement park. It is named Riviera Park for whatever reason. You’ll be happy to know that, “Park attractions are divided into family (family vacation), children (attractions for children), extreme (attractions for adults) and prize (shooting galleries and arcades)”. Fun for the whole family. So yea, let’s talk about the extreme part of the park. These rides/attractions may or may not exist. There is the knife game ride with theme song included (in Russian!). The Firing Squad, where you stand in front of a firing squad and hope that you don’t get hit. If you don’t, then you live. Pretty sweet there. There is bear wrestling, where you wrestle an actual bear. And who can forget the always thrilling Russian Dash Cam Virtual Reality ride? Certainly not me. I’ve already bought my season pass.
2 – Go to Luna Park
As if one amusement park wasn’t enough, Sochi has two (and a couple others, but we’ll just stick with two for now). Oh, but this one is different. This one is the amusement park of your nightmares. You are greeted by the horrifying face you see above for the insane price of 150 rubles! Whatever the fuck that equals! A lot of the rides that you will
enjoy go on seem like that will probably stab you and steal your money. Yea, that kind of fun. Well, if the threat of getting lockjaw and possibly running into a hobo on LSD seem like a good time to you, then head on down to Luna Park!
1 – Drink vodka. A lot of vodka.
So after reading all of the fun things to do in Sochi, there really is only one thing to do. And since the water over there is pretty much equivalent to drinking the piss of a hydrated gorilla you might as well turn to the one thing that Russia will always have copious amounts of. Vodka. Oh yea, you knew it was coming. To be perfectly honest, that has to be cheaper than shipping over thousands of bottled waters cases for the athletes to drink. Considering Sochi is already over budget by a slim $51 million and vodka being the national drink of Russia, it’s easy to just replace their death water with the delicious potato juice. How much more entertaining would the Biathlon be if all of the athletes were liquored up? Very much so. A bunch of drunk dudes on skis shooting guns? Sign me up. Hell, why not just transform the Biathlon into the Bear Cavalry-athlon. If that was the case, Russia wins Gold, Silver and Bronze. Fuck, might as well give them Tin too.
Or whatever, let the athletes drink the water. I don’t care. It will be the largest case of Stalin’s Revenge in the history of ever.