Libya you got problems? The Captains can help!

Dear Rebels of Libya and any other bat shit country that produces oil –

I like what you’re doing. You’re giving it back to the man that has oppressed you for so long and that’s damn amazing. I’m stoked you found a way to use Facebook to help your cause instead of just creeping on people you knew ten years ago too, kudos on that. I also think the groping of female reporters is not that big of an issue. Have they ever been to a punk show before? Gropage is a worldwide phenomenon that was not created by your glorious revolutions.

One thing I’m not too keen on is the fact you’re fucking up our oil situation here in the states. We need oil and we need the price to stay low. We’re addicting to oil like Tyrone Biggins is addicted to his crack rocks – yeah, it’s that bad. I’m personally not a fan of paying out my ass to fill up my POS car so I can get to work, the bar, and other commonly visited places on a weekly basis.

Now I know you’ll say there are solutions. Well, let me counter them for you. First, I live in small city and I’m not poor or don’t want AIDs so the bus is out of the question. Second, walking is nice when things are close, but I’m in no mode to make a Lord of the Rings type trek to go to Taco Bell. If I walked there, I’d probably have to find a place to shit on the way back home and that’s just not good. Third, no man rides a bike any more if they’ve ever had a “growth spurt” in their pants and have what they call cock and balls. I tried to mountain bike a year ago and I thought my balls went inverted.

Instead of you trying to solve our problems of high oil/gas prices that we just can’t shake, I’ll tell you what you need to do:

1. You need a crazy leader. Che and Fidel worked in Cuba. Lenin in Russia. You get my drift. You need to find someone that can get the people fired up. Now I know I threw out a bunch of political wild cards, but I suggest going for someone with more celebrity appeal. I’ll through out Steven Segal and Jean Claude Van Dam for starters. I don’t think any of them are working. If I learned anything from their moves of the 1980’s is that they can handle shit when it gets tough. If they turn you down, call Charlie Sheen. I’m serious. The dude has polarized the USA. Either you love what he’s up to or you despise his very existence. You need one of those guys on your side and last I knew he and his flotilla of sex partners may be down for some new adventures. Plus he has Tiger Blood.

2. You need a plan of action. You need to continue to watch some movies or the Military Channel to figure this one out. I would actually suggest watching Band of Brothers or the Pacific to steal some tactics and moves. If you really need some more ideas and feel the need to train, Call of Duty: Black Ops is solid and the weaponry is probably similar to what you’re rocking these days. We can also give you some ideas. Yar has been vacationing in the Mediterranean for years and knows the locals well enough to be dangerous.

3. You need to win. There’s really nothing to this last one except for the fact that you can’t lose. If you do, you’ll probably succumb to some gruesome death that would not be able to be described in the papers.

So that’s what you need to do to win this one Libya. We just want our oil to go down to normal levels of $3 per or so and we’ll be happy.

Captain Polish

PS – These images are American examples you may be able to rally behind. We tried to find Beastman for the plan of action image, but he was unavailable for comment.

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