Coolest places to be an alcoholic.

It is Friday and I can guarantee most if not all of you will be drinking this evening. Why not? It’s fuckin’ Friday. But then again, most if not all of you are alcoholics and probably treat every day like it’s Friday. So lucky for you, we have some of the coolest bars/pubs/taverns/trees to get sloshed at. Take a gander.

Sunland Bar – Limpopo Province, South Africa
Sunland Bar
Well sure, we most certainly all want to drink inside of a tree. Yes, gnomes and raccoons are a given of course. The tree we speak of is no ordinary tree, it is the famed Baobab Tree. When these guys get to be old enough, they start to hollow out on the inside allowing things to get in, namely, a bar. These suckers can get pretty damn old. The one that hosts the Sunland Bar is dated to be about 6,000 years old. You better not ask it for an ID when it orders a beer. You won’t like the tree when he’s angry. In South Africa? Check ’em out!

The Red Sea Star Bar – Eilat, Israel
The Red Sea Star Bar
Drinking in a tree not good enough for you? Well alrighty then. How about drinking under water? Sure, why not. For your drunken enjoyment, this bar sits in the middle of a coral reef in the Red Sea (Gulf of Aqaba for you geography nerds), which sits at the butthole of Israel. You can sip on one of those big ass pink ‘tini drinks while you look out at the pristine coral reef wishing you were a mermaid swimming with the fishes. Ok, so that may or may not be one of my fantasies. Deal with it. So if you’re in the neighborhood of Eilat, Israel and you have a hankerin’ to do some drinking in an underwater bar, you know where to go. Tell ’em the Captains sent you.

Alux Bar & Lounge – Playa del Carmen Quintana Roo, Mexico
Alux Bar & Lounge
If you’ve ever wanted to get drunk surrounded by a bunch of stalactites, this is the bar for you. Located in Mexico, this bar lives inside a cave. A cave that is said to still be inhabited by Alux, a mystical Mayan elf. Hence the name. Who wouldn’t want to get drunk with a Mayan elf? Well, minus the fact that there is the slim chance that you will be kidnapped and then sacrificed to their Sun God or whatever bat shit crazy excuse they came up with. So if you want to get drunk surrounded by a bunch of stalactites and the possibility of being sacrificed to some sort of God, then come on down to Mexico!

The Rock Restaurant – Zanzibar, Tanzania
The Rock Restaurant
We have a bar that is under water, so it only makes sense to have a bar that is above the water. Completely surrounded by water. On a rock. Aptly named, The Rock. There are only 2 ways to get there. You can either wade out to the bar from the nearby beach or if you’re a pussy, you can have one of their boats come and pick you up. Some of the freshest seafood can be eaten here. So fresh that you can probably eat the shark that chased you on the way out to the bar. So have a couple of drinks, watch your dinner being grilled up and laugh remembering why humans are at the top of the food chain.

Sean’s Bar – Athlone, Ireland
Sean's Bar
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, this is the oldest bar in Ireland which most likely makes it the oldest bar in the world. It is pretty damn old, being said to be built in the year 900. Yea, that says 900. To realize how old that is, America didn’t become an official country until 876 years later and your mom wasn’t born for another 3 years, when prostitution was still legal. It’s crazy to think about the amount of drunks that have been in this bar through the few years it’s been around. Why not add to the world’s oldest bucket of puke by bellying up to the bar and drinking yourself stupid, stupid.

The White Horse Tavern – Newport, Rhode Island
The White Horse Tavern
Being an American, you bet your fat ass that you’ll want to be drinking at the oldest bar in America. The reason this bar is titled the White Horse Tavern is because back in the day, a majority of people were straight up illiterate. So many places identified themselves with symbols and in this case, taverns were usually white horses. Why white horses you ask? Well, if you have enough drinks you’ll start to see white horses. Or is that pink elephants? Whatever it is, you’ll be happy to know that you’re drinking in an establishment that was once owned by a pirate. So get your scallywagin’ ass on down to the White Horse Tavern.

McSorley’s Old Ale House – New York, New York
McSorley's Old Ale House
McSorley’s opened it’s doors in 1854 making it the oldest continuously operating bar in NYC. Having personally been to this fine establishment, I can tell you this; light or dark. That’s the choice you get; light ale or dark ale. If you go into this bar — which by the way, only first opened it’s doors to women in 1970 — you better not ask for anything other than one of their two beers on tap. A lot of the sights you’ll see in the bar are original, if not, then really damn close to being original. From the saw dust laden floors to the bar that has no stools (Order your beer and get the fuck out of the way), you most certainly will want to squeeze your drunk ass into this place at least once in your miserable life.

Hofbräuhaus – Munich, Germany
This list wouldn’t be complete without including the world’s most famous beer hall, Hofbräuhaus. The idea for the brewery/beer hall stemmed off of an extremely thirsty Duke in or around the year 1592. The dude liked his beer, so why not make his own? All the cool Duke’s were doing it! Slide your butt on down and grab one of their famous liters of beer. It is open year round so you don’t have to deal with the crowds of Oktoberfest. But if you’re into that, then by all means slap on your lederhosen and hope you don’t run into these guys.

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