Alcohol was invented for a reason. Namely, to get drunk. Secondly, to make ugly people look not so ugly so when you sleep with them you don’t feel so bad because she kind of looks like Taylor Swift but when you wake up it’s really Ke$ha. And third, time travel, A.K.A. blacking out. So be it that, alcoholics have always had an affect on history. Here are some fine examples which may or may not be entirely true:
– Thomas Jefferson wrote The Declaration of Independence hammered drunk. The version we all know and love is actually version number two. You see, during his first draft, Jefferson completely forgot what he was writing about and began to ramble on comparing the vast similarities and differences of a taco to a gordita to see which was the better of the two. He actually wrote 14 pages worth of information. Some of that info included:
“Although similar in shape and style, a gordita’s shell is soft whereas a taco’s shell is crunchy. Fascinating.”
“I am pulled in by the ingenuity of the gordita but then the classic style of the taco draws me right back. Only if there was a way to combine the two.”
In the end of his first draft, Jefferson would in fact change history as we know it. He concluded:
“In my arguments, I have fathomed a fantastic new idea. If you put together the soft shell of a gordita, smear cheese whiz on it, then place a crunchy taco shell on the inside whilst filling it with taco fixtures, you my friend have created the all mighty. Jesus hath not got shit on this.”
Not only can we celebrate this nations freedom on July 4th but on July 2nd, 1776 ladies and gentlemen, Thomas Jefferson invented the Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Fiesta time, bitches.
– Joan of Arc was an alcoholic or insane. Either way, she was one crazy bitch. She led the French across the battlefield during the Hundred Year War as a woman. Back then that’s like a baby Water Buffalo leading a pack of Lions to a kill. Well sadly enough, her drinking got the best of her. She got drunk one night and tried to sleep with an enemy soldier attempting to gain some quality intel. It turned out that she decided to try and hook up with the only gay guy on the enemy side. He freaked out and turned her into his superiors. She was then burned at the stake. Game over.
– The reason the automobile was invented was directly related to alcohol. One night Karl Benz was drinking with his buddies when they ran out of alcohol. Being it they were too far and too drunk from the closest 7-11 to walk, they needed a quicker way to get there. Flying was out of the questing since it was not invented yet and taking the train wasn’t an option since the closest station to 7-11 was too far. So Benz got to thinking. He and his buddies went to his garage and started to build. They invented a sort of crude automobile. So, they got their beer, came back and had a great night.
Now that you have seen how alcohol has affected history, it is your turn. Guinness, the greatest beer in the world, has began a Proposition to make St. Patrick’s Day an official U.S. holiday. Yes, this would mean instead of getting drunk at the office on March 17th (when on a weekday), you would be getting drunk on your sofa on March 17th. Isn’t Democracy a great thing?
Get your wannabe Irish ass to this bloody website. (Which unfortunately does not exist anymore).