Unlike Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny and Diet Dr. Pepper, Punxsutawney Phil is real. He is a groundhog that lives in a tree stump but on every February 2nd of each year, he is yanked out of his stump like a homeless man yanking out his peener on a bus…with extreme force. If you didn’t already know, this morning in Gobbler’s Knob, PA (more on that name later), Mr. Phil saw his shadow this morning. So what does that mean for us? That winter will last another 6 weeks. Fuck you Phil.
Is it a shock to you all that Punxsutawney Phil isn’t the only animal that declares our winters longer or shorter. We live in America…weren’t we built off trying to be better than the last guy or in this case groundhogs? This certainly applies to weather forecasting rodents. Here is a list of some of the animals, including Phil, that are America’s most famous weatheranimals for a day.
Sir Walter Wally – Raleigh, North Carolina
Sir Walter Wally out of Raleigh was actually born in Easington Colliery, England. He saw no opportunity in England as a groundhog’s day groundhog because the weather is constantly shitty there and will never see his shadow. So he got his furry little ass on a plane to the states and wound up in Raleigh, NC. Why Raleigh? From what I hear UNC has a lot of hot chicks.
Punxsutawney Phil – Gobbler’s Knob, Pennsylvania
The most famous out of all the groundhog’s, Phil resides in Gobbler’s Knob, PA. Luckily for this town, someone with dyslexia was in charge of naming it. Let’s call Phil the President of the groundhog nation. He is basically in charge and runs the show. According to lore, members of the Inner Circle– The guys who hang out with Phil– give him a special drink which extends his life 7 years. No one knows what this drink is but many are believed that it contains 95% Jack Daniels, 4% BBQ sauce and 1% Bull Shark semen. That’ll most certainly keep the heart racing. When Phil isn’t predicting weather, he is vacationing down in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico where is better known as Señor Criatura Cariñosa del Tacos Peludo (Mr. Affectionate Creature of Hairy Tacos). He usually returns to his stump a week or so before February 2nd where he is constantly training for his 2 minutes of fame. No one knows for sure what he is training for but it is believed that he squat thrusting a good 17 hours out of the day…and eating tacos the remaining 7.
General Beauregard Lee – Atlanta, Georgia
Since the South cannot grasp the idea that they lost the Civil War, they must drag their animals into the whole debacle. Enter General Bearuegard Lee. Some say he is as old as the Civil War and others say he is just dressed the part. It’s tough to say since he certainly smells the part. What The General does that is so different from the rest of the groundhogs is he is given a Civil War era musket. There is a target roughly 50 feet away that he has to hit. There are 2 area’s on the target, one that says Early Spring, the other says 6 More Weeks of Winter. Depending on how much moonshine The General drank the night before is pretty much how his aiming fares. It’s the South, isn’t everything down there decided over alcohol?
Woodstock Willie – Woodstock, Illinois
We know it’s not the real Woodstock or even Bethel, NY but the vibe is all the same man. Sort of like General Beauregard Lee’s alcohol induced forecast, Woodstock Willie’s forecast depends on how much weed he has smoked prior. The general rule is if you can see the whites in his eyes, spring will be early, if not then 6 more weeks of winter. Unfortunately for the little town of Woodstock, Willie’s eyes are 99.9% of the time bloodshot red. You’d think someone would be smart and the night before slip some eye drops into his eyes. But then we’re reminded that everyone is probably stoned as shit and forgot they even have a groundhog named Willie.
Staten Island Chuck – Staten Island, NY
Little to public knowledge, Staten Island Chuck is the child of Snooki from Jersey Shore fame. Oddly enough, he is a striking resemblance to her cooch (to no surprise that’s what he was named after as well). I do not know this as a fact as this is merely an urban legend. I feel bad for the poor fucker who has to see that thing. Anyways, enough about Snooki’s vag, this is about Staten Island Chuck. Chuck came to fame when he showed up one day in the Mayor’s office wearing overall’s and biting on a half smoked cigar demanding that he end winter immediately. The Mayor loved the groundhogs enthusiasm and appointed him the city’s official groundhog. Punxsutawney Phil loves to get his sleep before the big day but not Chuck. Charles G. Hogg as he is formally known, loves to be out at the clubs battling to house music and fist bumping until all hours in the morning. God bless you Chuck, God bless you.
There you have it people of America and afar, some of the stories and legends of America’s Groundhogs day. Remember though, if you get stuck in a deja vu like state much like our man Bill Murray did in his most famous movie to date, Groundhogs Day, the only way out is to have sex. Unfortunately for Captain Flintheart, he would be in an infinite repeat of February 2nd. And no, masturbation does not count.
So if you will excuse me, I am about to go let loose my own groundhog into the toilet. I will let you know what it’s forecast is in a short while. Stay tuned.
Update 8:20am: We will have 6 more weeks of winter according to Captain Yar’s groundhog. He saw his shadow, became frightened and completely disappeared down into the toilet. Button up America, it’s gonna be a cold one!