It’s St. Patrick’s Day. Don’t be a dick.

Everyone is not Irish.

So unfortunately (or fortunately), St. Patrick’s Day falls on a Monday this year. All the more reason to get drunk, am I right? With that being said, that is a double whammy for getting absolutely bombed. For those who need explaining: Mondays suck and it’s St. Patrick’s Day, so get double drunk. If you’re going out to the local pubs tonight, don’t be an asshole; because you’re sure to run in to quite a few. Here are a couple of tips to keep it cool on St. Paddy’s Day.

More often than not, you will have the option to drink piss ass beer tinted with green food dye. Don’t do it. Green dyed beer is the actual poop of shit beer. Which makes it pretty shitty. Instead, try something else. Ever heard of Guinness? I’m sure you have. Too much for you? Understandable. Try some of these beers if available:

Don’t like beer? That’s no problem. Drink Irish Whiskey. Not sure what whiskey to drink? Anything labelled Jameson is usually a pretty good bet (Albeit, there are others, but Jameson is a good starting point).

Don’t know where to drink your O’Hara’s Irish Red or Jameson Whiskey? Try out one of these places.

Don’t like to drink? Well, then stay home and be boring.

Don’t be this dick. A green shirt, green hat or even green underwear will work. Don’t over do the green. The last thing you want to look like is one big snotball. But ladies, we suggest wearing whatever you like. Here are eight ideas.

The following are the only acceptable bands that are allowed to be played on St. Patrick’s Day.

  • The Clancy Brothers
  • The Dubliners
  • Dropkick Murphy’s
  • Flatfoot 56
  • Flogging Molly
  • Street Dogs
  • The Pogues

Leave your big titted Katy Perry, big assed Beyonce and big douched Mumford and Sons for every other shitty night of the week.

Let’s face the facts. Not everyone is Irish on March 17th. Let me repeat that. Not everyone is Irish on March 17th. With that being said, let’s drop the Irish accent bit, unless you know, you’re actually Irish. There is nothing sadder than hearing some Guido attempting to do an Irish accent. Sounds like dolphins having sex with an accordian. Let’s just keep it to the professionals.

Excess drinking, let’s talk about it. Once you get two or three in you (drinks not dicks, you whores), you’re already on your way to feeling pretty damn good. I will suggest stopping at or around ten, which for some may be high. First off it’s Monday and you probably have to go to work tomorrow unless you’re a student, unemployed or a single mom. Second, no one likes being thrown up on, especially when their puke is tinted green. That is grounds for getting a mudhole stomped in your ass. And third, it’s fucking Monday. Are you going to be the dick that get’s so rocked that you mistake that tree for your girlfriend? I hope not. Well then again, I hope you do. Watching those videos on YouTube is quite entertaining.

Chances are high that you will not take our advice for an entertaining St. Patrick’s Day. Chances are also high that you gave up on this article in the first paragraph. Whatever it is you do, happy St. Patrick’s Day. Don’t be a dick.

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