Jersey Shore: The True Hollywood Story

Aren’t you surprised we haven’t wrote about quite possibly the greatest show of 2009 the decade, yet? Me too.

Yes folks, MTV has come at us again with another piece of quality programming. In case you forgot, this is the network that introduced us to the fun-loving Spencer “McDouche” Pratt and Heidi “Cuntbag” Montag. So you knew it was only a matter of time before someone new was to take the spotlight. Well folks, MTV has done themselves in with this one. The Jersey Shore. Not only did they make the new greatest show on TV, every single one of the characters on that show is in their own right, a superstar. Well, in case your living inside an elephants asshole, here is a clip of this masterpiece.

After a 6 hour meeting with the fellow captains, the main topic being The Jersey Shore, we have come to the conclusion that all those people on the show aren’t who they really are. Sure they do a damn good job of being douchebags and douchebitches but we believe that they are all putting on a fake persona just to “fit in” with everyone at Douchebag Beach. Now, don’t be upset…we wouldn’t want you to think we don’t like this show because believe me we do. We have gotten just as many laughs out of this show as Flintheart’s girlfriend did the first time she saw him naked. A lot. What we are going to do for you today is briefly tell you what each one of the stars of Jersey Shore does in real life.

Without further adieu, The Captain’s Memos presents, Jersey Shore: The True Hollywood Story.

Jersey Shore Angelina
This girl hails from the mighty Staten Island. Staten Island throughout the years has given us many stars such as, the Wu-Tang Clan, Alyssa Milano and TCM’s personal favorite, Lady GaGa. Now we can proudly add, “That Angelina girl from the Jersey Shore show” to that list. Angelina is a part time cesspool truck driver. Coming from Staten Island, what else would you be? That place smells like a beached Loch Ness Monster with a severe case of crotch rot. Someone needs to solve this stink crisis immediately. O wait, I just did. Close your legs, Angelina. You’re welcome, Staten Island.

Jenni “J-WOWW”
Ms. J-WOWW is probably the best looking of the bunch of slores on this show. What is up with that self-proclaimed nickname anyways? J-WOWW. Bitch, why are you always hollarin’? How does one come to such a ridiculous nickname? Well, I have the answer. Outside of the Jersey Shore, Jenni has a morning show on a local radio station called J-WOWW and The Assface. The Assface of course being Snooki. Because you know, she has the face of an ass. This again supports my conclusion that all morning radio station shows have the dumbest names. This one is certainly no exception.
Or! Or this nickname could be that she has a huge dick under those pants and when her current boyfriend saw it for the first time, he responded with, “J-WOWW!!!!!”. Then he was raped. Anally.

Mike 'The Situation'
Mike “The Situation”
“The Situation” is by far the funniest one on the show. He says the greatest one liners. Here is one for example, “What can you possibly say to someone who pretty much looks like Rambo with his shirt off?” How do you respond to that!? Or how about this classic, “If I walked in the door and seen myself…I’d grab my girl pretty quick”. Unfortunately for The Situation, he remains unemployed. It could be because the genius that he is, on all of his resume’s, instead of putting his real name, address and past jobs, he just puts “The Situation” (In quotations mind you) in every spot. It’s ok Situation, there are many jobs for you out there such as a nickname creator or a motivational speaker for the homeless. Hell we will even give you a job here at TCM. Yes Situation, we have just officially offered you a job here at TCM. You say the stupidest shit that we figured you would fit right in here with us. We would introduce a new series simply called, “Shit The Situation Says”. Be sure to email us at We look forward to hearing from you.

Nicole 'Snooki'
Nicole “Snooki”
I think we all know this girl for being the ugly dumb ass to get rocked in the face by this guy. Whats that? You didn’t see it!? We will gladly show you. In her spare time from being an absolute mess and a co-host to a morning radio show with J-WOWW, Nicole, or Snooki as she is called, is the leader of the non-profit group, “Fat People in Denial”. This is a group where people who are fat don’t want to believe it or own up to it. Some notable members include, Jessica Simpson, Oprah and William Hung. Keep your eyes peeled, with Oprah involved, this could easily be one of the top 10 worldwide non-for-profit groups in the world. Stay tuned.

DJ Pauly D
DJ Pauly D
This guys claims to be “Your girl’s favorite DJ”. I beg to differ. From what we are hearing, DJ Pauly D is, “Your boyfriends favorite dildo”. All I can say is Sean Avery can most certainly back this up. Also, another thing that is brought to mind is what straight guy takes more than 17 seconds at most, to do their hair? Most certainly not DJ Pauly D. According to him, “It takes…25 minutes to do my hair and it comes out perfect each time”. O yea, Mr. D? It takes me 25 minutes to take a shit in the morning, and you can be goddamn sure it comes out perfect each and every time. Which brings me to my next question. Which is more manly to you in 25 minutes time; gelling and blowing out your hair or taking a shit, rifling through 2 Penthouse magazines? You be the judge there.

If the guys at the Jersey Shore house were members of the A-Team, Ronnie most certainly would be BA Baracus. But he isn’t and never will be. Currently in the show, Ronnie is seeing Sammi “Sweetheart” after stealing her away from “The Situation”. That would have been a fairly sweet battle between the two. “The Situation” calls himself Rambo and we are calling Ronnie BA Baracus (Mr. T for all those who don’t know). It would have been a battle of epic douche proportions. But unfortunately for us viewers, “The Situation” pussed out and nothing happened. You will all be happy to know that Ronnie and Sammi are currently engaged and Sammi is pregnant. They plan to have their wedding during Season 2 of The Jersey Shore!! It will be the biggest Guinea infested event in the history of events. Well, minus each bar, each weekend, during each summer at the Jersey Shore. FYI, that’s not garbage that stinks up New Jersey, it’s all the douchebags that inhabit the state.

Sammi 'Sweetheart'
Sammi “Sweetheart”
Not only does she call herself “Sweetheart”, but she has her own tag line, “I’m your favorite bitch” or some dumb shit like that. Anyways, Sammi is currently, as stated above, in a relationship with Ronnie and is pregnant. It’s actually a funny story how she became pregnant with “Roid Head” Ronnie’s kid. They came back drunk from the club one evening, you know, a typical Tuesday night. Since Sammi slept in Ronnie’s room that night, she put on a pair of his boxers to wear to sleep. Little did she know that earlier in the night before they went out clubbing, Ronnie has a routine of masturbating before the club so if he brings a chick home later, they can “bang for hours”. Well, Ronnie always liked to “finish” in his boxers, the same boxers that Sammi was wearing to sleep. What’d ya know, the bitch became pregnant.

From my understanding this young buck has just turned 21. What’s a better way to spend your 21st summer than at the Jersey Shore. Not much according to these folks. Our man Vinny however does have some regrets about his summer I’m sure. Well for one, he got pink eye in a recent episode from some fat chick at the bar. No, it wasn’t Snooki, it was some other fatty. How one gets pink eye at a bar, I just don’t know. For those who aren’t up on how one receives a “pink eye”, it is caused by getting some sort of doodie particles in your eye. Yea that’s right, doodie particles. Is it a coincidence that Vinny is currently going to school to become a proctologist? I don’t think so. He is an assman and what better way to satisfy his needs than diving into the ass of a fat chick. There is not.

Well there you have it folks. The TCM True Hollywood Story of The Jersey Shore. Let us know how you feel by making some comments.

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7 Responses to Jersey Shore: The True Hollywood Story

  1. what was your comment good sir?

    We remove no comment, everyone is allowed to bash us if they feel need be…we will bash you back extremely hard however.

  2. The deusche that wrote this is probably some fat pig that is the opposite of what girls want and thinks he can insult peoples manhood cuz he has a website, but guess what ur a fat piece of shit loser.

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