Music reviews in the form of wine reviews

Musical Wine

I can assume that most if not all of you have read a wine review/description before? If not, I’ll try and bring you up to speed. They are short and really kind of make no sense. Here is an example of one:

Deep garnet purple color. Rich aromas and flavors of cherries, raspberries, and pickled tomatoes with a supple, fruity-yet-dry medium-full body and a long, exotic berry, peppercorn, nut, parsley, and beet finish with robust tannins. A great melange of savory fruit, spice and vegetable notes that will be great at the table. This is old school Napa zin at its finest.

Crazy shit, right? Who in the hell can taste all of that in one mouthful; besides the local whore down the street? Doesn’t matter. What does matter is our newest running article titled, “Music reviews in the form of wine reviews”. Where I take bands/albums/songs and review them as if I were a wine reviewer.

Mumford and Sons
Old doodoo brown color. Aromas of hipster douche, with a hint of wanna-be bluegrass. Lame and heavily scented of a hobos dirty asshole, a Brooklyn hipsters un-showered armpits and a God awful accented finish. Very fruity and very annoying.

Miley Cyrus
Throw-up after drinking grape juice type color. Aromas of garbage twat and Hawaiian punch with an OK body and questionable musical talent and a firm bite your dick off finish. Quite artificial and unpleasant to the ears.

Pale white color. Almost sickish white. Aromas of annoying ass voice, dumb lyrics, moist farts, and dog piss with a white boy that wants to be black mentality, annoying ass voice (again), some talent, and an annoying ass voice (yet, again) finish. An overpowering of an annoying ass voice.

Kanye West
Black color. Cocky aromas and flavors of super douche and music that makes my dog want to kill himself; not so subtle notes of his baby momma’s big ass and a I don’t know how this guy still has a job. An over the top douchebaggery finish. Would be great if I was deaf.

One Direction
So white you’ll go blind if you look directly at them. Heavy, heavy aromas of these kids haven’t been introduced to deodorant yet, not sure if they’re gay and their music just plain sucks. It really fucking sucks. Just don’t.

So that was our first round of “Music reviews in the form of wine reviews”. Stick around, we’ll have some more.

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