The George Lucas Paradox

I hate George Lucas’ movies, which is an ironic paradox because I love George Lucas’ movies. Let me explain. Lucas has 2 incredible franchises under his belt, both the epic Star Wars saga and Indiana Jones. By 1989, he had crafted 3 highly regarded movies a piece for both series of films. Those 6 movies I always find myself going back to, simply put they are great cinema. This is exactly where it should have ended.

George Lucas

Lucas has spent the last 20 years re-doing his old movies and crafting unnecessary sequels/prequels. The original Star Wars trilogy (Episodes 4-6) are considered classics, not just of the genre, but of all time. Then 14 years after it had been finished, Lucas decided he would re-release the same movies in theaters done with better graphics, and thereby ensuring a jolly box office raping. I got news for you Mr. Lucas the old ones looked just fine. Yoda is a fucking puppet, deal with it. He added some new scenery and backgrounds to preexisting scenes. Ok…I guess that’s cool, but is it necessary? I suppose that’s tolerable, but dear God, don’t add extra scenes to the movie that have nothing to do with the plot and only to show off your new computer. The new scene in Return of the Jedi, In Jabba the Hutt’s lair where the CGI creature sings a cocktail number to the crowd is particularly cringe worthy. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT? It’s like when Frank Capra re-released It’s a Wonderful Life, with the extra digitally created scene where Clarence the Angel is taking a shit and Jimmy Stewart walks in on him and blushes. Remember that? Of course you don’t, Frank Capra was smart enough not to screw with a classic (and he’s dead).

Well, how could Lucas make more money you ask? More Star Wars movies of course! This time we got 3 new Prequels. The 1st one was unbearable, the second one was decent at best, Episode 3 is actually pretty good, but it doesn’t redeem the other 2 for existing.

Then of course there is Indiana Jones, the only man who ever got a chance to literally whip Nazi’s with Sean Connery dropping one liners at him while doing it. All 3 of the original Indiana Jones movies are all of varying degrees of classic. George Lucas all dried up after the Star Wars Prequels decided to make Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull 19 years after the last one. The Indiana Jones movie from 1989, was called The LAST Crusade for a reason!

I went into the newest one knowing it wasn’t going to be great; I just didn’t want it to tarnish the legacy. What I got was CGI gofers, Shia LaBeouf swinging through the trees on a vine with monkeys, oh and did I mention Aliens? Yes, Aliens. My friend summed it up best after the movie, “this was possibly the movie they showed Nazi’s to convince them not to be American.” I know that doesn’t make a whole hell of a lot of sense, but it makes more sense than anything in that movie.

George Lucas apparently does not have one single original thought in his head anymore. He’s making a Star Wars TV show, there are rumors he is going to release the Star Wars films in theaters in 3D, he puts the DVD’s out, tweaks them and puts them out again, slightly altered. He even used Harrison Ford in 7 out of 10 of those movies. I’m sure South Park wasn’t far off when they predicted Lucas digitally enhancing all the Indiana Jones movies next. We pray that day never comes. Stop living off the fat of the land George Lucas, start living off the fat of your stomach and be a fucking artist again.

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6 Responses to The George Lucas Paradox

  1. This is the funniest fuckin thing I have ever read (but I’m also Bias). Good work Captain Flintheart, good work!

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  4. I do believe you forgot to mention how realistic it was when Dr. Jones jumped into a fridge and survived the nuclear bomb testing. or maybe i just passed over it

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  6. Great summary of the imploding supernova of creativity that is George Lucas. The new Star Wars trilogy was a massive disappoint but I don’t doubt he thought he was making good movies. What he needed was a “no” person to filter out his bad ideas but he financed them out of pocket so he was pretty much Zeus with lightening bolts on set.

    Crystal Skull however, there is NO EXCUSE. Lucas and Spielberg have enough money to live 3 lifetimes without ever working again and could pretty much get any project made that they want. So for them to collectively pool their resources to revisit a franchise best left untouched with a script and story as shitty as Skulls, was the equivalent of them taking a massive dump on the movie going public. I don’t know what in the hell motivated them to put it together but they should of had the good sense to kill it 5 years ago when it was in preproduction limbo.

    • Because dick heads like yourself kept harping on about wanting another one. Then you got it and whined like a little biatch! Crystal skull is better than Last Crusade, deal with it!!!

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  14. Hey guys didn’t even read the article. Have you ever seen the We Are Number One video? It’s an A++. Gotta say Trumps a loser. I’m moving to Canada. Is George Lucas dead yet? Man my life sucks. See you all in hell!

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