Five movies Charlie Sheen would enjoy.

There were two major stories in the news this week pertaining to Hollywood. The first was the Oscars which I found to be incredibly useful as a sleep aid on Sunday night with the exception of that wonderful lunatic Kirk Douglas. It was so awkward and wonderful that I just couldn’t look away, even though I felt I should. I kept thinking to myself that we were all watching someone die on stage. And I mean that literally, not figuratively. I half expected that I would see him in the “For those we lost” montage they have at the end of the show each year. The second major story in the news this week is the other wonderful lunatic in Hollywood, Charlie Sheen. I can’t say enough about how much I love this guy. I just think that it’s fantastic that for once we can see a star being completely honest about his life. I mean he isn’t saying anything that we the public don’t already know to be true. He is rich, his life is awesome and better than ours will ever be, he loves drugs and porn stars, both of which he can afford and he is fucking awesome. Name one thing about that that isn’t true or isn’t what you would be doing/thinking if you had several million dollars in the bank. Many people are appalled, but I think fuck yes! We should look up to this guy. When most of us see a porno we just crank one out and then move on. Charlie says fuck that, I’m gonna call this whore and make her reenact this scene with me. Then I am going to do some blow and watch Jaws on my huge fucking yacht. Fuck yes!

These two news events climbed deep into my brain at some point in the last few days and out popped this column. I was thinking to myself if I was Charlie Sheen what movies would I want to watch when I was stoned into oblivion? At this point you may be asking yourself what a doctor like me knows about drugs and movies and the like. Well, before I was a doctor I was a college student at a state school and since I am practically a fucking genius I spent most of my college days getting shitty on this drug or that and still getting better grades then you. Now this was in the past so don’t get your panties in a bunch and start thinking “Oh my God my doctor might be doing drugs” because of what I just said. That is in the past. I have stopped using the drugs and switched to being a belligerent alcoholic which is completely legal. You should be concerned however because I know a lot of doctors and many of them do use drugs, just not me.

The movies that I have presented in this list are all great movies in their own right. Most of them I have seen in multiple states of mind including sober and highly enjoyed them. All I am saying is that if you are going to get shit wrecked and watch a movie these are the ones that I would recommend the most. For your enjoyment I have included a list of the drugs that would be most compatible with each movie.

Legal Disclaimer: Neither Captain Short Bus nor TCM endorse or encourage the use of drugs, legal or illegal. The views expressed herein are meant solely for entertainment purposes. Enjoy!

1 – Apocalypse Now

Recommendations: Marijuana, Hash, Mushrooms, LSD
Discussion: This is one of the best movies of all time and will take you from the depths of sadness to hysterical laughter. It is about as anti-war as possible and stars Charlie’s father Martin Sheen as the lead character. Apocalypse Now is set during the Vietnam War and the general gist of the plot is that Martin Sheen’s character is charged with eliminating a rogue American Army General played by Marlon Brando. As he treks through Vietnam in search of Brando he encounters about every aspect of military culture that you can expect ranging from an insane general that enjoys surfing during napalm strikes to soldiers whose only job is to retake and repair a bridge every day that the Vietnamese capture from them and damage every night to a USO camp chocked full of Playboy bunnies. The entire movie is a giant mind fuck from beginning to end and degenerates into insanity once Sheen finally finds Brando. The first time I saw this movie I was stoned out of my mind. Much of the movie blended together and felt like one of John Wayne’s wet dreams. I think at one part I just started crying because I got so sad. If you do get stoned be prepared to experience emotions so you should only do this around good friends and hot women that will think your emotions are sexy. It’s a bit of a long movie which is why I recommend acid or mushrooms as well. These drugs have the staying power required to get you through this movie. However, if using these please be aware that the violence and depressing overtones of the movie may quickly lead to a bad trip. My personal preference would be from THC based products combined with an upper to keep you going.

2 – The Big Lebowski

Recommendations: Alcohol (White Russians preferably), Marijuana, Hash
Discussion: I can summarize this movie in one sentence, yet it may be one of the most complex plots the Cohen Brothers have ever had. A stoner named Jeffrey Lebowski (a.k.a. the Dude) seeks reimbursement for a rug that was pissed on by some people that were mistakenly trying to extort money from someone else with the same name. Hilarity ensues. This movie is probably in my top 5 of all time. I fucking love this thing. The Dude’s favorite drink is a White Russian which he drinks in almost every scene. This movie has single handedly popularized a drink once drank only by people that referred to Betty White as a “hotty”. My strongest recommendation is to make a shit ton of these and drink them before, during and after the movie. One word of caution is that you will be consuming a large amount of dairy so be prepared to stay close to a bathroom for the next day or two because you will be pissing out of your ass for awhile. If you are working please read my previous post about the rules of public shitting. But why stop there. Take a few rips off the bong too. This movie is funny and there aren’t enough plot twists in it where you will get lost. This is a great movie to just get shit-housed and laugh. I can’t recommend this movie enough.

3 – Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Recommendations: LSD or Mushrooms in combination with Marijuana
Discussion: The first few times that I watched this movie I was tripping on one psychedelic or another and found these to be the most intense movie experiences of my life. This is the true story of 48 hours in the life of Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson played by Johnny Depp and his lawyer played by Benicio del Toro. Throughout the entire movie the two main characters roam around the depravity of 1970’s Las Vegas on pretty much every drug imaginable. They even give you first person views of what they are seeing so you actually have the opportunity to take a trip within a trip. I have never seen a movie with a more realistic interpretation of what it is like to trip so I also recommend it to hallucinogenic virgins who should watch this before tripping. If you aren’t prepared to handle this than don’t even bother because you won’t enjoy the real thing. I recommend pairing your acid or ‘shrooms with pot because it will take the edge off. When you are tripping this is actually one of the most terrifying movies you will ever see. When I finally had the opportunity to experience the movie sober I had two revelations. (1) That the first three times I saw the movie I completely misunderstood the entire plot and (2) it actually wasn’t a horror movie but more a hilarious commentary about society. This is one of the best movies ever written both in content and in character. If you do watch this all fucked up do yourself a favor and go back and watch again sober one day. You will actually get the message that it is meant to convey. It is two different movies depending on your state of mind. This is the one that I most highly recommend.

4 – Boondock Saints

Recommendations: Alcohol (preferably Irish Whiskey or Guiness), Cocaine
Discussion: To put it simply this movie is about to Irish brothers that live in Boston and decide that they have had enough of the immoral corrupt bullshit in their city and just start eliminating scumbags. Since it is generally Irish in nature it is best enjoyed with your green beer and Tullamore Dew around St. Patrick’s Day. Nothing is better than getting good and liquored up and watching some people blow the brains out of some Italian mafia shitbags. As an added bonus you get to see them hunted down by a cross-dressing homosexual Wilim Dafoe. What other movie has that? This film moves pretty fast and is full of action while maintaining a decent plot. I haven’t seen the sequel, but I heard that was decent too. So good ahead and get sloppy and put this blue-ray in the VCR. Feel free to enjoy some nose candy with this bad boy as well. It’s a rager!

5 – Dazed and Confused

Recommendations: Marijuana, Mushrooms, LSD
Discussion: No movie makes me want to get stoned more than this movie, mostly because it is all they do throughout it. This is in general is a feel good movie about a bunch of high schoolers on the last day of school in 1976 (or some other year that your parents were fucking each other in the back of a van). If you are looking for a movie to get stoned to the bejeezus belt and watch this is the one. It has the right combination of humor and drama while being simple enough that you can follow it with one of your dime slot eyes closed. I threw in the mushrooms and acid because they might also be fun, although I have never used them with this particular movie. Bottom line is that this movie isn’t the greatest movie of all time, but if you are looking for something fun to do with a bag of oregano and a few friends on a Saturday night you could do a hell of a lot worse than this.

I hope that you all find these movies as enjoyable as I do. Good luck, have fun and be safe.

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