Animals that are specifically designed to kill shit

I bring you all back to one of my favorite running series on TCM. We have looked at Sharks, Bears and the shit pants scary Dunkleosteus. We are going to bring you back onto land and highlight the deadly and straight out savage, Komodo Dragon.

Komodo Dragon

The Komodo Dragon for starters, was named after the island it is found on; Komodo Island. This officially makes the dragon in the running for one of the most uncreative names ever given to an animal. Good for you Komodo. Good for you.

Black people will be happy to know that the Komodo Dragon can grow up to 10 feet in length. Which just so happens to be the same height as a regulation basketball hoop. So white guys, yea, you’re pretty much fucked.

It is also unfortunate to us humans that the dragon can swim, run and climb trees surprisingly well. So next time you are on the island of Komodo, if it’s sunny and all of a sudden it becomes eerily dark. Don’t look up. I highly doubt the last thing you want to see before you die is a 10 foot lizards wang falling directly towards your face.

On an average, the Komodo dragon eats up to 80% of it’s body weight in one meal. So technically we could declare the Komodo Dragon obese. Last time I saw anyone eating 80% of their body weight was last week on the television show, Man vs. Food. I think they literally walked a cow out to his table, bell and all, and he had to eat it in under 27 minutes. He failed but here is an important safety tip; I wouldn’t call the Komodo obese. They can weigh in at a whopping 300 pounds. So yea, you most certainly fall under the “appetizer” category on their menu.

The teeth of the Komodo are compared to a shark’s serrated teeth. Once it bites, it shreds. Unfortunately for everything else besides the Komodo, that’s not all. Here’s a fun fact; the saliva of the Komodo dragon is home to 50 different strains of deadly bacteria. So if you somehow miraculously escape the death grip of the Komodo, best case scenario is you will lose that leg within 24 hours. Worse case scenario, you die. Picture that one, two punch much like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito from the movie Twins. Arnold of course would be the teeth, because in his prime he easily could rip you apart. And Danny DeVito much like the bacteria. If he licks your open wound, you die.


I am about to contradict myself here. If you will backtrack to the beginning of this article, I said how awful it would be to have a 10 foot lizards wang falling towards your face. That is ever so awful but it just so happens that the Komodo dragon can give birth without having a partner. Yes kids, virgin births. In the super smart science world, it is called parthenogenesis. Now before all of you bastard children start to draw conclusions that your mom had you in this fashion think again; only reptiles and simple organism’s are capable of this. That is actually extremely scary. Ok, let’s hop into our time machine and head back to 1993 when the movie Jurassic Park was in theaters. About half way through the movie, Dr. Grant and those annoying ass kids were running through the jungle when they stumbled upon eggs. The dinosaurs had reproduced without sticking a penis into a vagina. Although similar, it was nothing like that one time Capt. Kirk jizzed in the hot tub and got that foreign exchange student pregnant. That was just hilarious. So yea, technically the Komodo’s can reproduce at will without any partner. The next film by Steven Spielberg, Komodo Park: The End of the World.

Speaking of Jurassic Park, attacks on humans from the Komodo dragons are few and far in between. But there have been attacks. Oh, there have been attacks. The most recent happened March of 2009. Some fruit picker was picking fruit in a sugar-apple tree when he fell out of it. Instead of falling onto the nice soft sand below, he fell into the Schwarzenegger, DeVito death combo of two Komodo dragons. Witnesses say them bitches were licking their chops just waiting for this guy to fall out of the tree. Moral of the story, if you climb trees for a living, first learn how not to fall out of them.

So there you have it, Komodo dragons can and will kill your ass. Which is why God made them specifically designed to kill shit.

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