I bring back everyone’s favorite series, Animals that are specifically designed to kill shit. Today we are going to have a history lesson. We are going to go back in time about 400 million years during the “Age of Fishes”. The animal we will be speaking of is the Dunkleosteus a.k.a. “The Shark Eater”.
Now, if you read my past post about sharks you will find that yes, sharks were specifically designed to kill shit. Well then, I suppose that makes the Dunkleosteus an animal specifically designed to kill shit…and sharks, which ultimately ranks it quite high on the list of super badass animals.
The Dunkie (as we will be referring to it from now on) didn’t have teeth, it had jaws. You’re probably thinking, “Hey dummy, all fish have jaws.” Yes they did, but his “teeth” were an extension of his jaw. So his jaw and teeth were just one entity. This allowed the Dunkie to have the most powerful bite of any fish. It could concentrate a bite pressure of 8,000 lbs. per square inch (thank you Wikipedia) which puts it in the same league as the T-Rex, the modern crocodile and Carzilla as for having the strongest bite known in history. Still not quite clear on this? Let me put a picture in your head about the seriousness of these jaws. I assume 99% of you have been to a monster truck show. If not, then I HIGHLY suggest you leave this site immediately, for you are not welcome here anymore. But for those who have, will know what I am talking about. At the end of (almost) every show, they bring out Carzilla. It is a huge robot made out of cars, to destroy smaller, weaker cars. The jaws on this robotic beast just so happen to mimic the Dunkie’s ferocious mouth. The only difference is the Dunkie ate living things, whereas I wish Carzilla did, but he only has an appetite for steel and oil. Well, now that you have an idea of how menacing the Dunkie’s bite was, we can continue.
Now if you thought those dentures were badass, this guy was covered in a huge suit of armor. Imagine a 30 foot fish swimming through the ocean with a suit of medieval armor minus the horse. And again, the Dunkie can be compared to Carzilla. Carzilla was covered in thick steel and was pretty much impenetrable. The only thing missing from the Dunkie’s arsenal is the ability to breath fire. Carzilla 1, Dunkleosteus 0.
Wait. When did this turn into a competition?
Since these guys pretty much ruled the oceans during their time they had no natural predators; except themselves. It is proven that these fish would engage in the rare but most delicious act of cannibalism. Think of the Dunkie as the human of the ocean. Us human’s truly have no real predators, except those guys you see on that show with Chris Hansen. But still, even most of those guys can be killed by an angry drunken midget during a extremely competitive game of kickball. What I’m trying to say is, the Dunkie got bored, so what better way to keep themselves occupied than by hunting their own species. On paper it sounds like a good idea to be kept un-bored, but this essentially led to their extinction. Not very smart, Dunkleosteus. Wait…what’s that? Yes, it’s another Carzilla comparison. Mr. Zilla was a cannibal as well, eating his own kind, not out of boredom but out of the sheer awesomeness that he is.
“So Carzilla, what do you want to eat for dinner tonight?”
“A 1987 Buick Century”
“Oh…I was in the mood for burritos”
“Come on dude, you see the fire that comes out of my nose every time I eat Mexican food”
“Alright, I’ll call you later Carzilla, I’m going to go hang out with Dunkleosteus”
This brings me to my next point of discussion. Why would God, Jesus, and Oprah create such a large awesome animal, but make them so incredibly stupid? Last I heard, the Dunkie wasn’t opening doors or spelling C-R-A-P correctly. Damn you Oprah and your stupid magazine where you always have a picture of you on the front cover. Give it up to someone else for a change, you attention slore. But then again, it’s OK, you are making the perfect face in each photo where it is easy enough for someone with a black sharpie to put a Hitler ‘stache on your mug. That totally makes up for it.
But then again, the Dunkie’s were designed to specifically kill shit. They do not need to know how to properly operate a stopwatch or put on a condom. Remember this if you remember anything from this whole article: Never, ever mess with a stupid fish. They will eat you, shit you out, and quite possibly eat you again. Especially if their first name starts with Dunkleo and ends with steus.