You all have been waiting for something like this. I know. So TCM is going to deliver. And deliver big. I could go on explaining this, but I can tell that you are already anxious to see what we have.
And lets begin.
#10 – The Sorority Slore
The sorority slore. I am sure many people reading this that have been to a college has seen them strutting their letters around campus. Some of them are quite hot, there is no question about it– which is a main reason as to why they are so high up on the list. But, the reason they are on this list is because of the absurd, fake and whoreish life they live. Well, not so much the whoreish part. That’s ok by us. Notice that you will never see a lone sorority girl. When you see one, you will know at least 15 of them aren’t too far behind all wearing the same clothes. It’s funny because they are all supposed to be “best friends” even if 12 of them have slept with each others boyfriend’s several times. I could honestly go on, and I have. Go here to see more on this fascinating creature.
#9 – The Die Hard Sports Fan
Listen, there are other things in life than your favorite sports team. We understand that you want to root for your team to win, I myself am an avid sports fan, but threatening to eat your neighbors baby if they don’t get out of the way of the television is just plain unhealthy. There are some fans who are worse than others, namely Boston and Philly fans. Reason being, they all have 1 team to root for in each pro sport. In New York, we aren’t so fortunate. We have at least 2 teams per pro sport which promotes a healthy rivalry amongst inner-state sport fans. I’m not saying that New York sports fans are better, believe me many aren’t, just stating the fact that Boston and Philly fans tend to suck more at life than New York fans due to the fact that they hate teams more than they like theirs. But I’m sure your all have your reasons for being die-hard, but this is my list so what I say goes.
Hey Die Hard Sports Fan, see that over there? Yes, that’s a woman. She can have sex with you unlike your team. What, your not into that? Well then, just die.
#8 – The Alcoholic That Doesn’t Know They’re An Alcoholic
Drunk at 8:45am on a Wednesday and not on vacation? You my friend, are an alcoholic. What’s that, you like it because of the taste? You my friend, are an alcoholic. (Editor’s note: I love beer, but I don’t suck at life) O yea, it calms you down? You my friend, are an alcoholic. Huh, after a few drinks you like to drive naked to the police station and complain about your neighbor’s barking dog? Uhh, you’re either an alcoholic or retarded.
#7 – The Extreme Redneck
There are rednecks and then there are rednecks. These are the people who rock mullets, wear sleeveless shirts with racial slurs on them and have a tattoo of a NASCAR with the Confederate flag on it being driven by a deer throwing a bud can out the window running over a Democrat. There aren’t too many people who suck at life more than these types (Well, minus the 6 people below this).
I have always wondered what an Extreme Redneck wants for Christmas. After years of extensive research, I’ve come up with a possible list:
- Chewing Tobacco
- Shotgun Shells
- Our dog, Dale Earnhardt, to be taxidermed and placed in a NASCAR suit next to my other 3 stuffed dogs
- A pack of wife-beaters and a wolf t-shirt
- A limo extension for my truck
- A Walmart gift-card
That limo extension sounds ‘effin sweet. But too bad these rednecks suck at life or we could have been friends.
#6 – The Overly Aggressive Friend
Why is it there is always a friend that wants to constantly get into a fight or start some sort of trouble? Sure making trouble can be fun at times, but most of the time it is completely unnecessary. These are the same exact people who were the reason for the creation of the phrase, “Ok, who brought the asshole!?” They always want to be in some sort of competition with you even if you are unaware that they want to. Example: You and your overly aggressive friend walk into the bathroom to take a piss. Little did you know that you are now in competition to see who can pee the fastest. You kind of see him rushing a bit but don’t put two and two together, so you ignore and continue peeing. Well unfortunately for your ass, your overly aggressive friend finishes before you, let’s out a shout then runs over and punches your arm…the same arm that is holding your pecker. This ultimately shoots pee all over the wall which then deflects back onto your pants making it look like you pissed yourself. Your overly aggressive friend see’s this and then begins to make fun of you that you pee’d your pants shouting and pointing. A little humiliated by the whole situation you pull out your gun and shoot your overly aggressive friend in the head, successfully ending that. Guns don’t kill people, pissed off normal people kill people.
#5 – The Parents of Obese Children
You know you’re a bad parent when you can’t tell your kid apart from the Michelin Man. You can’t even blame it on the kids, they don’t know any better. You’re the asshole that is feeding them lard covered corndogs on a twizzler. Here’s a brilliant idea, introduce them to fruits and vegetables. Or not even that, how about a meal portioned for a kid. If I was the person behind the counter taking your order and you get your kids the triple bacon cheeseburger super-sized meal, I would probably bitch slap you. Or take a huge dump in your salad, because you are pretty much feeding the same thing to your kids.
Fat people don’t really succeed in life. There are a few exceptions however: Notorious BIG, Michael Moore and the fat guy from Lost. Unless your kid can out freestyle The Guru or make a documentary that’s not about how to bake peanut butter cupcakes, then your kid is pretty much fucked. So go over and remove the Supreme Pizza slice from your kids hand, hand them an apple, some running shoes and slap their ass on that treadmill.
#4 – The Emo Shithead
If you hate life so much, why don’t you just kill yourself already? I mean you are already halfway there looking like some poorly constructed zombie. A knife can be your best friend. Go ahead use it, we don’t need you. You already suck at life. Let me ask you a second question. Did your jeans shrink in the wash or did you purposely buy them 15 sizes to small? All emo guys have no dick because in order to fit into the pants you see them wearing, you cannot have a dick. So your asking, how do they procreate? Very similar to pollination. Emo guys fly around– cause they are emo– and let their “pollen” fall into the emo bitches therefore making them pregnant. This must stop. Why birth a baby that’s going to want to kill themselves as soon as they are born anyways? Makes no sense to me. You and your emo babies suck at life.
#3 – The Tailgater
No, I’m not talking about you people who show up 32 hours before a game, BBQ and get drunk. That is perfectly acceptable in my world. I’m talking about the assholes who drive up your ass when your doing 80mph on the highway. Or the cocksucker who is up your ass when there is a semi in front of you doing 15mph. Where are you going in such a hurry? Did you shart yourself in the car because you were laughing so hard at Dane Cook repeating his joke the 20th time? O yea, because I didn’t hear it suck the first time. You are also the same assholes who speed up to traffic, red light or a train crossing. Where are you going shithead? There’s a train coming. Not stopping? Ok, I hope you run that crossing and get smacked by that train, lose your head and burst into flames. Chance of me laughing, 100%.
#2 – The One-Upper
We have all met one or two of these people in our lifetime. Some people even have to live with them which is a tragedy. One-upper, I really wish you would die a weak ass death so that when I die I can meet you in hell and ask, “O, how did you die?”
He would then say, “My wife smothered me in my sleep with a pillow” in a saddened voice.
I would reply, “O, that’s too bad…You know how I died? I went and got a nuclear tipped crossbow, shot 500 arrows into the air, set loose 300 feral kittens and 47 Grizzly bears and let them fight it out, then set myself on fire and waited for the nuclear tipped arrows to hit the ground ending my life and everyone in the world which is why I am in hell. Beat that dickhead.”
Upon completion of that, his head would then explode because
he cannot no one can one-up that. Satan would then see this and realize how badass I truly am and bow at my feet proclaiming me the new ruler of hell. Party!
For more ways to die that would make a Satan hump your leg, check these out.
#1 – The Douchebag
Ah, we meet our good friend the douchebag again. If you are a long time reader of this site, then you know how much we love these guys. You can see here, here, here and here. These guys are quite possibly the epitome of sucking at life. Everything they do from speak, to walk, to dress just plain sucks. I believe there is a reason behind this; they are terrorists. The Taliban has created these douchebags to infiltrate and destroy what is left of anything that is good in America’s night life. Albeit douchebags have been around for a long long time, but the Taliban has perfected their recipe on how to make these douchebags. I think the FBI and CIA have to start to bring these “humans” down. FYI, their home base is located at Neptune Beach Club in Southampton, NY. So do what you must, carpet bomb/napalm/mustard gas, anything to rid these terrorists from America.