#10 – Ri
The Ri comes in at 10 because it’s a friggen merman. Sure they could out swim you, hold their breath underwater longer and probably stab you with a trident but they are still a merman. How many little boys watched The Little Mermaid thinking, wow I wish I could be Ariel (There’s a name drop for you). And yes, you have all watched The Little Mermaid. So Mr. Ri, you are #10 on our list.
#9 – Loch Ness Monster
“Nessy” as she, or he, has been known to be called, is a supposed dinosaur that is living in Loch Ness in Scotland. If that is the case, then consider it awesome. Many people have tried to find her in the Loch but none succeeded. I think we all know the myths and lure that surround this beast, so I won’t banter on…I’ll save that for creatures further down the list.
#8 – Hogzilla
In the swamps of Georgia, there lives a beast by the awesome name of Hogzilla. One day a little fat kid was walking around the swamp with his pistol when he came across the so called Hogzilla. The kid shot and killed a 1000 pound beast with a pistol. I guarantee the spirit of the Hog, floating above his body, saw the little fat kid standing there and thought, “Holy shit, I was killed by Chunk from The Goonies. What the fuck man!? Shit, how am I going to tell the guys about this?” Shortly after this photo, the kid shot a cement truck driver with the same pistol, hijacked his truck, brought it to Hogzilla and started a pig roast all for himself. As I’ve said once and many times before, childhood obesity is hilarious.
#7 – Bigfoot
Bigfoot aka Sasquatch, could quite possibly be the most popular monster on this list. There have been so many sightings even ourselves here at TCM have got a photo of the beast. You be the judge on this one. If Bigfoot is proven one day I hope we don’t treat him like they do in those Jack Links Beef Jerky commercials. That’s just not nice. I would want to sit and have a beer with the big fella. He deserves it. But you gotta think though, the stench that he must give off. Do we really want to find him? Imagine what his dick would smell like (As to quote the famous line from Anchorman). Yea, I can only imagine it smelling like a mixture of bad milk and a baby diaper filled with baby poop after that said baby ate some spicy curry, which was also bad. I think we will let Bigfoot live alone in the forest along with his stinky penis. Unless your the Henderson family. A sign on their front door reads, “Stinky Penis’ Welcome”.
#6 – Skunk Ape
The name alone strikes fear into our hearts. The Skunk Ape is Florida’s version of Bigfoot. To be quite honest, he is really only on here because of his name. How did he get his name you ask? Well some folks say that he smells like a beached Loch Ness Monster with a case of crotch rot….and he looks like an ape. Yes, he rivals Bigfoot’s smelly dick. I can only imagine if we happened to catch the two of them. The stench would be nuclear. But, I would have other ideas. I would put them in a hell in a cell match. The ratings would be out of this world. But who knows what would happen. Hell, I don’t even know if the Skunk Ape is a female or male. Hopefully a male so the two of them battle to the death. If it is a female, then what would be billed, “The Greatest Wrestling Match EVER” could quickly turn into, “Holy Shit! There Are Two Bigfoots Having Sex On TV!”.
#5 – The Mongolian Death Worm
This creature is like something out of the movie Tremors. Kevin Bacon would tell you otherwise though. It is a tad bit smaller measuring in at only 5 feet or so. What makes this creature so dangerous is that it spits a yellowish venom that can kill on contact. Also they say it gives out a deadly electric shock to its prey. Should I enter another penis joke here? Yea, I think so. The wind is definitely right for dick jokes. The symptoms of the Mongolian Death Worms sounds a lot like the same symptoms that Flintheart has with his penis. After a quick trip to the hospital we found out it was just Gonorrhea from a llama. Wait a minute. Three dick jokes and two beastiality jokes in the same post!? TCM, what are you trying to write here!? The new information brochure for the local petting zoo?
Yes reader. Yes we are.
#4 – El Chupacabra
The name El Chupacabra means The Goat Sucker. Some might get this “animal” confused with the inbred farm boy down the block that goes by the same name, but I assure you it’s not (That’s 3 beastiality jokes if you’re counting). The appearance of this creature varies from area to area, but it is agreed that it is more reptile like with leathery or scaly greenish-gray skin and a spiked spine down his back. This sound familiar to anyone? There is a video out there of a police officer who may have caught this guy on his dash cam. You can see that shiz here. I’m not sure what to think but I’m fine settling with it being a miniature version of Godzilla. How cute and cuddly would that be? Until he killed you.
#3 – Windigo
If you are an Algonquin Indian, then you might shit your pants hearing of this monster. Apparently this is the most feared creature in Algonquin folklore. Algonquin or not, this thing sounds pretty damn freaky to us. It can be described as that of a sub-artic zombie of sorts. Zombies!? O man, I think i just pooped my pants. Also, these were big zombies that were never full of human flesh. Whenever they ate another human, they would grow bigger and bigger. So essentially, you could have a 10,000 lb. zombie on your hands. Doesn’t sound to fun to us. But I do smell box office gold though. Kind of smells like shame.
#2 – Tarasque
Well apparently, this monster cannot be destroyed by conventional weapons. See the people in the photo above? Yea, they are running for their lives. Apparently the only way to destroy this beast is to send a woman. The calming power of her is the only way to tame him. Here’s an idea. Call the guy a cab, send him off to the local strip joint and bam. Work’s done. You have just conquered your first Tarasque. Now all you have to do next is brace for his hangover in the morning. Have fun finding a pooper scooper that’s gonna pick up his shit.
#1 – Aswang
Many of you probably have never heard of this monster, so there is a reason this is #1. The Aswang is a bloodthirsty creature that lives in the Philippines said to eat human flesh and do all other nasty things to people up to and including buttsex. It also has been known to shape-shift into objects and/or animals to hide from people looking for it. Sounds like last nights hookup doesn’t it? Once it has a hold of its victim, it takes bundles of sticks, grass, and rice or banana stalks, and transforms these into a replica of her victim. This is to fool the other family members that the victim is not missing. The most popular form it shifts into is an ugly old woman that has holes in her armpits that have oil. This oil is used for flight. So the next time you are in the Philippines and see an old woman flying through the air with oil shooting out of her arm pits, run for your goddamn lives.