And you all thought our Meetings of the Minds was just to get wasted and perform nonsense. This is true…but we actually did some work. We came up with several topics to cover over the upcoming weeks, and this was one of them.
People have all sorts of nicknames, such as Charlie “The Little Tramp” Chaplin, General “Stormin” Norman Schwarzkopf and who could always forget John Wayne “The Killer Clown” Gacy. I know I can’t. Anyways, we are here today to honor those who have animal nicknames. It takes a special person to possess an animal nickname and the following 10 people are no exception. So without further adieu, I present the Top 10 Humans With Animal Nicknames:
Disclaimer – I honestly don’t know why a majority of these guys got their nicknames, so there is a 99% chance I will be completely inaccurate on their nickname origins which in turn automatically makes most of these peoples nicknames directly related to pooping and/or farting. Prepare to become stupider than you already are after reading this.
10 – Eldrick “Tiger” Woods
The infamous Tiger Woods. No wonder why he goes by the name Tiger. What the fuck kind of name is Eldrick? I think he made a wise choice using a nickname on the complete opposite spectrum to his true name. Eldrick = queer. Tiger = no so queer. The story of how he got his nickname was when he was younger and took a swing of the golf club, he farted and it sounded like a tiger…hence Tiger Woods. If that was me that farted, my nickname would have been Captain “Laughing Sasquatch” Yar.
9 – Crocodile Dundee
Crocodile Dundee a real badass? No. A fake one? Yes. But you must be asking, “With an animal like a crocodile in your nickname, you must be a badass. Right?” He was, in his movies. Outside of his movies I can’t really say. I do know that he had a second animal nickname off screen. Crocodile Dundee was also known as Paul “Baby Gator” Hogan. How did he get this nickname? Well one day during the shooting of Crocodile Dundee, Mr. Hogan went running off set like a little girl to his trailer. Everyone was curious and went to see what was the matter. Upon several attempts to knock on the door, the crew eventually broke in to see if Mr. Hogan was Ok due to his silence when called upon. He was. But what sat in the toilet wasn’t. Paul Hogan just took a dump that resembled a baby alligator. So the next time you are walking around the streets of Sydney, Australia and you see Paul Hogan, be like, “Hey, what’s up Baby Gator?”. He might knife you if you do. You’ve been warned.
8 – Dennis “the Worm” Rodman
This guy is a goddamn no holds barred weirdo. For being a professional athlete, you’d think he would do better things with his time and money. No, instead this man dresses up like a woman which makes you wonder why his nickname is “The Worm”. Why not “The Woman” or “The Weirdo”? I will tell you exactly why his nickname is what it is. As we all know, this lucky prick was briefly married to Carmen Electra. It is believed that Ms. Electra donned Mr. Rodman with this nickname…hence their brief marriage. Don’t worry Carmen, my nickname is Captain “Laughing Sasquatch” Yar. I’ll be waiting.
7 – Jake “the Snake” Roberts
For those who follow wrestling or did back when it was actually good, know about our #7 man, Jake “The Snake” Roberts. The reason he was called that was because he carried a snake with him wherever he went which in all honestly is kind of creepy but then again, who fucks with a guy carrying a snake? Not this Captain, that’s for sure. Jake the Snake invented the wrestling move, the DDT. For those who don’t know what that is, picture yourself being kicked in the stomach, then someone putting you in a headlock then slamming the top of your head into the ground. Or just watch it here. Hell if it works for him, it works for me. It comes in handy when I need some extra money from the hobos down the block.
6 – Lou “Iron Horse” Gehrig
I would say this is a fitting nickname of Mr. Gehrig. He was so badass that a disease never before heard of had to kill the guy which in turn the disease was named after him. For those who don’t know, it’s Lou Gehrig’s Disease, or as some put it, Iron Horse Aids. Conventional weapons were useless against Lou “Iron Horse” Gehrig. He was once shot in the head, then took out the bullet and ate it…not after sprinkling some Bald Eagle blood on it like hot sauce. He always kept a vile of Bald Eagle blood on him for reasons just like that. The doctors believe that eating the blood was the direct cause of his death. Who knew that Bald Eagle blood was his only weakness.
In all honesty, he got his nickname due to the amount of consecutive games he played. To that he can thank the Bald Eagle blood.
5 – Eric “Otter” Stratton
This one is easy as to why his nickname was Otter. Eric Stratton was named Otter because every time he took a shit, his poop would float on top of the water like an otter. He was always known for including a lot of fiber in his diet.
4 – Robert “Birdman of Alcatraz” Stroud
By now, you are probably thinking this is pretty dumb. Almost all of these guy’s nicknames are directly related to shitting and/or farting. I did warn you. I’ll tell you what, Robert “Birdman of Alcatraz” Stroud is absolutely no different. Many people believed that the reason he was called “The Birdman” was because birds were attracted to him. This is what they wanted you to think, but they couldn’t be further from the truth. The reason he was called “The Birdman” was because he would mold birds out of his poop and throw them at other the inmates and the guards. People were scared that they would be hit with one of his famous “Shitting Sparrows” or the ever treacherous “Pooping Pidgeon” where he somehow was able to craft it so while in flight the bird shaped poop would drop it’s own little pieces of poop until finally striking it’s target with a huge explosion of poop. Imagine it as kind of a mini-carpet bombing of poop. Gross. No one knew how or why Bob Stroud pooped so much, he was fed all the same food every other inmate was fed. To this day, he holds the world record for the most consecutive shits in 1 hour. An astonishing 37.
So, the next time you take a tour through Alcatraz and you hear a faint but distinct farting noise then silence, let it be known that you are in “The Birdman’s” house now bitches.
3 – Ron “the Hedgehog” Jeremy
How does one of the most famous porn stars of all time, receive a nickname like “The Hedgehog”. You would think more along the line of nicknames like “Anaconda Dick” or “Horse Cock Jeremy”. You know, more appropriate nicknames to his line of business. Rumor has it that back when he wasn’t a fat gross mess, but still hairy as a mother fucker, he took a flight to shoot a new movie wearing nothing but shorts and a tshirt. He arrived to blizzard conditions and nothing to ride but a motorcycle to the set. Upon arriving he was close to having hypothermia and was immediately rushed to a shower to warm up. When he was done with the shower, his skin has turned to a pink hue and his hair was standing on end…hence the nickname “The Hedgehog”. That my friends is the true reason.
O yea, Jeremy was an extra in Ghostbusters.
2 – Erwin “Desert Fox” Rommel
Rommel was one of the most famous, if not the most famous German Field Marshall’s to come out of World War I’s sequel. Even though he was on the “bad side” of the war, he was a “good guy” treating captured soldiers humanely and actively having a hand in the plot to kill Adolf “Mega Douche” Hitler (everyone gets a nickname in this post). But you aren’t here for a history lesson, you are here to find out why Erwin is #2 on our Top 10 Humans With Animal Nicknames. He earned his nickname during his North African campaign. Being there is no animal specifically called the Desert Fox, we will be led to believe that he was named after the Fennec Fox. One day in between desert battles while Rommel was taking a sandy, dry shit (They were in the desert, I wouldn’t expect anything less) and due to those conditions, some extremely strange noises were heard exiting Rommel’s butt. No one knew what the eff those sounds were until later that night when the Fennec Foxes awoke and started to sing. Rommel’s ass had the same exact tone as a Fennec Fox singing. Truly amazing.
1 – George “The Animal” Steele
It is only fitting that George “The Animal” Steele be the #1 human with an animal nickname solely because he has “The Animal” as a nickname. There is no specified creature, nothing to pin him down (no pun intended) as to who he is related to via nickname. With a nickname like “The Animal” he could be a variety of animals. He could be a squirrel, a bear, a seahorse, a dragon or anything that can be classified as an animal. While many people tend to believe this reasoning, TCM has reason to believe that Mr. Steele is in fact named after a specific animal. We have narrowed it down to two animals in which he could be nicknamed after. The first, a Tiger Shark due to Steele’s eating of the turnbuckle which I’m sure a Tiger Shark would eat one as well in .37 seconds considering what they are known of devouring. The second, and our favorite of the 2 is Animal from The Muppet’s. When compared, the similarities are astounding. They are both covered with hair, both babel chicken and make no sense and they love to bite people.
After extensive research, we have come to the conclusion that George “The Animal” Steele was in fact named after Animal from The Muppet’s fame. If any of you question this, Captain “Shit-Piss” Kirk will hunt you down and yes, shit-piss on your face.
Honorable Mention: Monkey. I know it is very general and doesn’t have a specific name that comes along with it but when searching for some animal nicknames, I came across this absolute gem which I must pass along with you all. It comes from our favorite website; Yahoo! Answers.
Is the nickname I have for my son inappropriate?
I am white, my son is black and his nickname is monkey. Someone recently commented about me calling him that since it is a derogatory term for African Americans. I don’t think about that kind of stuff or use derogatory names for any race so it never crossed my mind. Should I stop calling him that?