Welcome to TCM’s official preview of the 2011 Super Bowl provided by your favorite sport’s guy Dr. Dave who has, in four weeks, worked his way up to the ranks to become Captain Short Bus. I pictured the Capt. Short Bus part spoken loudly and with lots of reverb and an explosion sound effect behind it. If you didn’t hear it that way please go back and reread it.
Anyways, let me start by apologizing for the lack of a column last week. In addition to the lavish Captaining ceremony we at TCM had in my honor my cat got my neighbor’s cat pregnant so I had to perform a late-term abortion in my basement using a coat hanger and some shitty vodka. About halfway through it actually turned into a bloody cat disposal mission and an anonymous apology letter. It turns out the whole thing was a complete waste of time because my cat is neutered…and also a girl. Anyways this brings me to another failed abortion (mmm…delicious segue) also known as the Pro Bowl. A couple of years ago the NFL figured out that no one was watching the Pro Bowl and they figured that this had to do with the game being the weekend after the Super Bowl. They reckoned that following the Super Bowl no one gave a flying fuck about football in general. So, in a fit sudden onset Downs’ syndrome they moved the game up to the weekend before the Super Bowl, traditionally used by John Madden to masturbate in marathon fashion to old photos of Brett Farve. Yay! Shockingly this has not increased viewership. I guess that’s because the Pro Bowl is a watered down pussification of football as a whole and is thus much more disappointing than one could possibly imagine. So what’s wrong with the game you ask? Well for starters members of the league’s two best teams (i.e. the Super Bowl contenders) don’t play in the Pro Bowl anymore so, fucking awesome! Now I don’t get to see Aaron Rodgers or Greg Jennings. I am also deprived the privilege that is seeing Ben Rothlisberger rape a lucky fan under the bleachers during halftime. James Harrison and Troy Polamalu are also out as well. So now I also miss seeing a member of the NFC team get decapitated. Not that it matters because of complaint number 2 which is that like in so many other All-Star events (NBA, NHL, World Ping-Pong Assoc.) defense is essentially forgotten during the Pro Bowl. So why the fuck do we vote them in anyways? I want to see the best players in the game play against one another and by not playing defense they eliminate half of the game. Goddammit I want to see someone get crushed! The worst part about all of this is that even the players know that they aren’t going to get hit hard so they play like a bunch of pussies. If we want to see a game that is entirely offense why don’t we just start electing the worst defensive players to the Pro Bowl because at least that way the defense will still try a little while they are getting shit on. But since the offense’s guard is down the Pro Bowl would be the perfect time for some angry motherfucker to just lay out a quarterback during his 12-step drop and put him into a coma!? It won’t happen though because no one is old school anymore. Remember Pete Rose? This motherfucker wanted to win every game he played, including the All-Star game. Do any of you remember (or remember hearing about) when Pete Rose eviscerated that catcher during the All-Star game back in the late 70’s? That was awesome! He fucking ended that dude’s career in order to win an exhibition game and when he was questioned about it he said he was “just trying to win the game”. That’s why Charlie Hustle was the best. He didn’t fucking care about your feelings, he played to win the game. The world needs more Pete Roses these days…well, minus the degenerate gambling addiction. Point of fact: Pete Rose was so inspirational to young Americans that nearly every retard in this country sports his haircut to this very day.
So this year’s Pro Bowl was…ha-ha-ha how the fuck should I know? I was watching a Law and Order SVU marathon with my wife. There were literally 94 things on television that day that I would rather have watched than the Pro Bowl. I know because at one point in the marathon my wife went and took a 27 minute shit and instead of flipping to the game I opted to go through the guide and count them all. So side-stepping that shit show let’s move on to the Super Bowl.
This is the only sporting event of the year where a person can bet on such exotic propositions as how long the national anthem will be, how the coin flip will turn out, which commercial will get the best rating and how long Fergie’s tampon string will be (inside scoop: take the over with the over/under being 2 inches). You’re probably thinking wow he went right to gambling huh? Well, yeah, I mean who really cares about the game? People watch the Super Bowl for many reasons and aside from the Packers and Steelers fans and the assorted bandwaggoning trash associated with them the game itself is not at the top of the list. Number one is gambling. Literally hundreds of millions of dollars are spent on this game in Vegas, online and through low level bookies that use cripples’ wheelchairs as collateral. Second on the list are probably the commercials. Every year I get to see that creepy E-Trade baby come up with some new antic to get me to buy stock from his site. Well guess what psycho baby? I don’t have any money so fuck off! Seriously, how old is this little shit bag now? He has to be at least 8 years old! It’s just starting to get weird. Is there a woman out there cranking these things out in two year intervals just to cash in on an E-Trade commercial? This also brings me to another ad-related rant. What the fuck happened to the Bud Bowl? Am I the only one that remembers this wonderful addition to the Super Bowl experience? Was this canceled to protect the children? Who was this hurting? Also, what the fuck happened to perennial Bud Bowl favorite Bud Dry? That went away before I was ever able to try it. Kind of like the only local strip club that we had in the small ass town I grew up in. It was a fully nude juice bar that was 18+ and closed when I was 17. My school bus drove by that tit factory every day from 1st grade onward and then it disappeared before I got a chance to dump a load on some cotton candy scented whore. Bullshit!
In addition to commercials this is the last chance until September where guys are allowed to tell their wives to shut the fuck up, get shit housed and enjoy a Sunday evening. During the Super Bowl we get to do it on a massive scale with friends, family and that creepy neighbor who invites himself over and then half way through the first quarter goes to the bathroom for like 30 minutes and then comes out without leaving a shit smell so you know that he was in there masturbating to your wife’s used tampon or the razor she shaves her snatch with or something. Don’t you fucking hate that guy? Oh…you don’t have a neighbor like that? Well I do and his name is Frank. So Frank, fuck you. Stay the fuck out of my house this year. You aren’t invited! In addition to getting wasted you get to eat horrible things like: pizza and chicken wings and chili and taco dip and buffalo wing dip and nachos and pulled pork and shrimp cocktail and Pop Tarts and fudge and soup and cookies and olives and cock and brownies and ice cream and sour cream and cream cheese and plain cream and creamsicles and stuff like that. Wow. I need to stop writing during lunch.
So anyways let me discuss the game for like half of a second. This should actually be a really good game. These two teams were probably the hottest teams throughout the latter part of the season and the playoffs. The Packers offense has been truly dominant over the past few weeks while their defense has been very strong. In fact they played so well that Jay Cutler went to the bench and pouted rather than finish the second half…I mean dislocated his shoulder. The Steelers on the other hand have played well for exactly one half of each game. Unfortunately for them they will need to play the whole game in order to pull this one out. I don’t think that they do. I think the Packers win.
This year I am probably going to my brother’s house. He actually doesn’t know this yet but he just bought a new 55” television so what does he expect me to do? I for one am glad that football is over so that we can turn our attention as a nation to more important televised events such as college hoops, preseason baseball and gay porn. I hope you all have a wonderful Super Bowl weekend and enjoy the game. On a serious note (actually serious) please be safe. Every year someone goes out to watch the game and either doesn’t come home themselves or makes it that someone else doesn’t make it home. Don’t drink and drive.
I will see you all next week with something completely not sports related, unless Tiger Woods does something awesome again.