Let’s face it – Captain Yar IS TCM. I say this with no sarcasm or regrets. Yar embodies the essence of what we like to talk about which is most certainly the randomest stuff we can find on a daily/weekly/monthly basis.
Me, well if you viewed TCM as a family tree, I’d be having the most sex. Yes my friends, I can take credit for convincing fan favorites such as Flintheart and Sketch to join. I can also be held responsible with what was the tenure of Fuerza and the wild rantings of frequent commenter Calico Jack. Shit happens.
I’m going to stay true to my lazy approach in having other people write for me as I introduce a new contributor – Dr. Dave. In a ship full of Captains, we need a doctor and Dr. Dave is just as sick and twisted as rest of the crew. For short, Dr. Dave has nipples, but no aureoles. He drinks Mike’s Hard Lemonade as his drink of choice and considers it a manly drink after one of the commercials he saw told him it was. Dr. Dave also enjoys Chia Pets, mustaches, and animated Japanese porn.
Enough for now about Dr. Dave. He’ll be covering the coveted NFL Playoffs for us. Here’s his first official rant:
This year at the office Christmas party Captain Polish got unusually drunk and started face fucking our stuffed replica of Sam the Eagle. This blasphemy soon led to a hostage situation whereby Captain Polish agreed to remove his member from Sam’s mouth only if several of his demands were met. Needless to say due to his extreme state of inebriation most of his demands were either unintelligible or unrealistic; mostly because Cherry Merry Muffin is not a real girl and even if she was I doubt she would allow Captain Polish to use kielbasa and sauerkraut in any of the manners that he alluded to. However, he was finally convinced to cease his carnal activities after it was agreed that he would be allowed to pick the new sports writer for the Captain’s Memos. Unfortunately since his first three choices: (1) the Hamburgler, (2) “Colonel Mustard in the library with the pipe” (he seriously only referred to him as this…multiple times) and (3) Lance “you know the bicycle guy with one ball” [Armstrong] are either not real or will not return our calls, emails or even acknowledge the flaming bag of shit we left for him on his door step, you all are stuck with me, Dr. Dave, and for this I am truly sorry.
I figured that for my first article I would try to stay topical and talk about the upcoming NFL playoffs. This year’s playoff picture reminds me of a photo from a large family reunion. As always there are the successful family members. You know the ones that left home to become doctors or lawyers or accountants; the real winners. These are represented by teams like the Patriots, the Saints, the Steelers, the Eagles and even the Falcons to some extent. In addition to these guys you have the successful, but not too flashy uncles and grandparents. These guys didn’t go to college, but they made a good living as plumbers or electricians. Maybe life didn’t always go their way but they worked hard and busted their ass every day to get where they got in life and are damned proud of it. I see the Bears, the Ravens, the Packers and the Colts in this light. You also have those annoying cousins; you know the ones that are always one step shy of fucking everything up but always seem to come out smelling like roses? I am looking at you Jets and Chiefs. The Jets tried like hell to miss the playoffs this season but unfortunately had easy games against the Browns and Bills which got in the way of their plan for totally fucking this season up. You also have the Chiefs coming off of a 31-10 anal raping in week 17 leaving them to drag their pink sock behind them as they enter the playoffs. Finally, everyone has the one retarded guy in the family. He’s 23 years old and has never shaved, yet somehow only has a mustache thick enough to make the cover of Panel Van Enthusiast and scare children at the playground. He shows up to every reunion with his Moe Howard haircut wearing elastic wasted jeans and drooling on fucking everything. And this year that pudding head is the Seattle Seahawks at 7-9…are you fucking kidding me? So without further ado let’s get to the match-ups…
Saints vs. Seahawks
Way to start it off with a doozie NFL! This might be the most shit-tacular game of the season. How this is a playoff game is beyond me. If this were the regular season this game would be seen “regionally” (read: downtown Seattle and some oil rig in the middle of the Gulf) and announced by Stuttering John and a fucking mime from Mummenschanz. The real question about this game will be if the Seahawks actually come back out of the tunnel after halftime. They probably have to, right, seeing as they are the home team, which in itself is unbelievable. Seriously though, the odds of the Seahawks winning this game are smaller than the possibility that OJ actually didn’t do it. This game will be so shitty that I have a feeling that this year’s playoff appearance will represent the city of Seattle’s greatest contribution to suicides nationwide…and this is the city that brought you grunge music and spawned Kurt Cobain. Think about that. Due to the failed abortion that is the Seattle Seahawks I have no chance but to make the New Orleans Saints my Magic Johnson Champion of the Week…seriously the dude beat AIDS.
Jets vs. Colts
Here we have a very interesting match-up. We have a team coached by a fat dude with a foot fetish versus a team that has a shoe as its logo. There is very little doubt in my mind that Rex Ryan will have his cock in his hand for the majority of the contest thinking about fucking Peyton Manning’s ear hole. On the field this may shape up to be the best game of the weekend. The Jets defense has alternated between God awful and amazing…they are like the Drew Barrymore of the football world. If “Wedding Singer” Drew is there on Saturday night the Colts may be shit out of luck. However if that half-Down syndrome looking thing from “Charlie’s Angels” shows up I doubt the Sanchize has what it takes to the J-E-T-S to victory. On the other side of the field you have the Colts whose injured reserve is about fifty names long…I think that Marvin Harrison is still on their IR. They haven’t been able to keep anyone healthy this year. It hasn’t mattered much though because Peyton could have a receiver corps made up of Thalidomide babies (if you don’t get the reference Google it…seriously it caused an entire generation of flipper babies) and still throw for 3 TDs. He won’t be helped by a defense that works about as well as the rhythm method, but I think that Peyton carries his team past the Jets this weekend. Sorry Jets fans, but I think that you and your annoying fireman friend are in for another playoff disappointment…not that you are at all shocked. What do you think that fireman guy does during the off season? Does he just go around spelling things in chant fashion? In case he does here is one for you sir…D-O-U-C-H-E, DOUCHE, DOUCHE, DOUCHE…perhaps that is too many letters.
Ravens vs. Chiefs
Okay let me declare right up front that I am a Chiefs fan. This year the Chiefs have shown a solid mix of complete ineptitude and partial ineptitude to win the shart stain that is the AFC West. I am not sure how they did it, but I am glad that they did. The Chiefs come into this game with the leading rushing attack in the NFL and are facing a Ravens rush D with more holes in it than Nicole Brown Simpson’s corpse. If the Chiefs can establish the ground game and not be forced to rely on Matt Cassel and Stonehand Bowe’s aerial shenanigans they might be able to pull this one out. The Ravens on the other hand finally got stud running back Ray Rice more involved in the back half of the season, which is good because Joe Flacco, aka the Frankenstein’s monster of Delaware can’t be relied upon to win a game. Of course you can hardly blame him since he has to rely on Johnny Unitas’ go to man Derrick Mason and Ol’ Caved in Face himself (Boldin) to catch his ducks. While this game has the potential to be one of the better contests of the week I have watched enough Chiefs games this year that I cannot leave out the possibility that the Chiefs blow this like a $10 whore. I have done a lot of thinking about this one and decided that it is the Chiefs who move on from this game and are promptly date raped by the Steelers next weekend. You may say that this is because I am a Chiefs fan and that I am biased…well no shit.
Packers vs. Eagles
Round one of the playoffs ends with this match-up on Sunday night in the City of Brotherly Love. This game features two of the best quarterbacks in the league, however Vick does have the edge in puppy drowning, an oft overlooked stat. The Packers narrowly squeaked into the playoffs this year after a dismal middle part of the season triggered by Jermichael Finley’s sprained vagina and the subsequent dislocation of Aaron Rodger’s clitoris. After battling through these and other injuries the Packers emerged to find themselves playing in Philadelphia, the only city where a team has to dodge batteries during their entrance at the same time the hub caps are being removed from their team bus in the parking lot. Look for Aaron Rodgers to be scrambling a lot as the Eagles will likely blitz on every down with the aim of severing one of Rodgers’ limbs. On offense the Eagles will look to use the speed and versatility of Michael Vick to carry them to victory. Look for Desean Jackson to suffer another major head injury with little effect on his overall intelligence while Vick does his token three step drop before ignoring his receivers and sprinting like Usain Bolt. I think that the Eagles win this one before choking in the later rounds…insert your own Michael Vick joke here.
The four division champs that are on a bye this week will look to rest and recuperate. The Chicago Bears will likely spend most of their week off trying to figure out just how they made it this far and how to fuck up their game in round two to the inevitable disappointment of their fans. I fully expect the Falcons to continue to pray to whatever idol that they worship that keeps them relatively unbeaten in the Georgia Dome (Jobu?). In the AFC most of the Steelers will be resting after a well-played season with the exception of Jerome Harrison who will be out on Carson Street performing illegal tackles on random people to stay in shape. But the real winners of the first round bye will be the Patriots, namely Tom Brady’s hair which will be given a whole week off from being shoved into a helmet. I hear he plans to spend an entire weekend eating Special K out of some supermodels snatch while Bill Belichik sits at home cutting the sleeves off of hundreds of sweatshirts.
That’s it for week one of the playoffs. I will be back next week to discuss all of the action from this week and preview round two of NFL playoffs.