If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. Another gem from Dr. Dave:
Happy Friday everyone! It’s time for another rousing episode of “Dr. Dave doesn’t know shit about football”. Holy shit Jesus! You’d think that by sheer accident I could get one of these fuckers correct. It’s been a long week and I am not going to waste the time analyzing last week’s games. You either saw them or you didn’t and you certainly aren’t coming to TCM for in depth analysis of anything except maybe tits or some random article from Captain Yar about mythical monsters. I watch Monster Quest, Mystery Quest and Destination Truth religiously and I haven’t heard of half of those shit demons that he was talking about in that article. Although, I did crank one out to the picture of that vampire-bat-lady cunt thing.
Like I said, it has been a long week. For instance today I spend half of my afternoon trying to remove an object from a man’s asshole. For the life of me I have no idea how that man got a ¾ of a plunger handle in up his turd cutter, nor do I know why that other guy just stood there watching me try to get it out of him for an hour. I guess it was a public restroom though. Either way I didn’t spend six years in graduate school earning a Ph. D to remove shit covered plungers from strangers’ asses. But what am I supposed to do when I walk in and he is just standing there looking at me as if to say “Oops, I got a plunger in my ass”? He did buy me a nice lunch afterward, I just wish he didn’t insist on us sharing a big pile wings and that he washed his hands after the whole bathroom scene. So, I am going to keep this short this week. Besides, it doesn’t matter what I type the opposite will just come true anyway.
Packers vs. Bears
This is always a great match-up between two ancient divisional foes. This year they split their regular season contests with the last one coming in the final week of the season and the Packers winning 10-3. Most significantly this win allowed the Packers to back their way into the playoffs. The Bears are hoping to be able to contain the Packers wide receivers who even Chris Tillman, in an effort to suck the collective Packers’ cock, said are the best in the league. I don’t know if that is true, but it sure looked that way last week. Aaron Rodgers threw for four touchdown passes last week against a Falcons defense that looked more anemic than Left-Eye Lopez (Wow a sickle cell anemia joke about a dead woman who used to date ex-Falcon Andre Rison…top that!). What Tillman was trying to say, although it was difficult to hear with his lips pressing ever deeper into Greg Jennings ass, was that the Bears secondary is really no match-up for the super talented Packers wideouts. Therefore the main question will be can the Bears get to Aaron Rodgers? The answer is no. It is likely that Rodgers will throw for another three or four touchdowns this week as well. Cutler will need to step it up to keep the Bears in this game however his past record against Packers (1-5) argues that this is about as likely as an AIDS-free Africa. Both of these teams bring top-5 scoring defenses to the table, but one simply has the better offense. I am taking the Bears in this one. What? I am trying something different this week.
Jets vs. Steelers
I still can’t believe that the Jets actually won that game. Here they are again in the AFC championship game. This year they run headlong into the Steel City and a meeting with Big Ben and Troy Polamalu. I didn’t think that the Jets had what it took to beat the Patriots last week, yet here they sit. Sanchez really pulled it together (like the Big Lebowski’s rug) when it was needed last Sunday night. If he can do it again the Jets just might have what it takes to win this one. The Steelers really didn’t look that good last weekend, instead they relied on the Ravens to perform what can only be called one of the most epic collapses in the history of the NFL playoffs in order to win. The Steelers will need Big Ben to look better this week than he did last when the only nice pass he made was the 60 yard bomb to Ol’ What’s his Face (seriously who was that guy?). Steelers fans can’t really complain though because that’s what it took to get the win. I for one would like to see the Jets pull this one off. I actually thought about this game today while I was taking a relatively painful shit (before the plunger incident, I was just trying to take a piss then) and nothing really good came to mind. Man I am mailing this one in. Um…so I am going to root for the Jets because my brother-in-law who is awesome has been a Jets fan since Richard Todd quarterbacked for them and my best buddy who lives in Pittsburgh and is a Bills fan can’t fucking stand the Steelers. Therefore I say it is the Steelers that will win (see what I am doing?).
Next week we get a little break from the football madness because of the pro-bowl. I say break because does anyone actually watch the pro-bowl? Anyway I am not going to cover that charade unless someone shows up and starts shooting so look for something a little different from me next. That is if you are still reading after this shit show. The week after look for my preview of the Packers-Jets Super Bowl. Have a great weekend and don’t go sticking plungers in your ass!