Well apparently Dr. Dave’s crystal ball is broken. Since he’s a doctor, I hope he can get that fixed. Here’s his ramblings for round 2, or “Big Boy week”, in the illustrious NFL playoffs:
Well I am just going to come right out and say it…I was wrong…wrong, wrong, wrong and wrong. Do you understand how hard it is to be wrong about all four games in the first round of the playoffs? I mean how the fuck does New Orleans lose to Seattle? I heard all the shit like “Well New Orleans has never won a road playoff game” and “Seattle was riled up about all the negative press”, but that is the kind of dog shit they always say about games like this. They do it because they have testicles like Barry Bonds following years of anally injected horse steroids and the backbone of Christopher Reeves (not the metal bar, the broken hunk of shit that had to get repaired so he could breathe and look humanoid) and cannot make the gutsy call. So they say shit like that so that they can say “I told you so” after the upset of the year. Of course the Saints have never won a road playoff game. Until last year, when they were the #1 seed and had home field advantage, they sucked and every playoff appearance they had was more accidental than the birth of Trig Palin. The bottom line is that the Saints blew this game, big time. I mean the Saints defense made Marshawn Lynch look like Barry Sanders out there! So if any one of those announcers can look you in the eye and say he predicted the Seahawks victory with a straight face fucking murder him because his an emotionless sociopath who has no moral compass and can lie without experiencing emotion. Seriously, you would be doing the world a favor because he is likely going to take out a bus full of school children just to “see if he can feel anything” and then get sent to some cushy psych hospital after copping an insanity plea. Or maybe he’ll just shave his head and shoot a nine year old girl, a judge and a congresswoman at a supermarket…too soon?
Now the next game I am going to take a little bit of credit for, because well, I need to get something positive out of this weekend. The Jets-Colts game was probably the best game of the weekend as I predicted. The Jets defense played very well and held Peyton Manning to only 16 points. And hell…Nick Folk even made a field goal. However, I’ll be up front and honest, I didn’t see any of this game except what was shown on SportsCenter because I caught a nasty virus this weekend and instead of watching this game I was in the bathroom with vomarrhea. What’s vomarrhea you ask? Well vomarrhea is when your body just completely gives up and says fuck it, you deal with it. So you go to the bathroom and a shit a stream of pure brown liquid out of your ass which is only interrupted by the occasional release of Kix-sized terds with the consistency of soggy Mini-Wheats. I am aware I made two cereal references there and I know the consistency because I play with my stool. I am a doctor, I am curious about these things. Also, this semi-viscous fluid that comes out of your intestines does so with such force you are required to wipe not only your raw, bloody rectum, but also both of your ass cheeks and your lower back (and one time neck). But it doesn’t end there friends, oh no. While this is happening you also have to vomit. Partly because of the smell, but partly because your body doesn’t know what to do with the bacon and cereal you ate for breakfast thinking that the body aches and nausea were just the signs of a common hangover. Wrong! So yeah, I was wrong. The Jets won.
By Sunday I was feeling a little better and even if I wasn’t I will be goddamned if I miss the Chiefs first justified playoff game since 2003. Things started well with the Chiefs leading after the first quarter. The defense was playing well and the running game was producing. Then comes the end of the 2nd quarter with the Ravens getting a last second touchdown to take the lead before half. As a lifetime Chiefs fan I should have part of me knew that this is where it would come unraveled. But the optimistic part of me thought, “Well we get the ball to start the second half and we will pick up where we left off offensively in the first half”. Fuck you optimistic me! Fuck you one million times. The Chiefs marched the opening drive deep into Ravens territory before running a goddamn, mother fucking SWEEP(!) on 4th and 1 foot. Holy fuck! Really! That’s the play you call?! After that it was just one Matt Cassel fucking disaster after another. I mean this fucking guy was a back-up in college and everyone saw why. He shit his pants like that vegetable Teri Shivo did before they put her to sleep. He fucked up worse than Dick Clark does every year during the New Year’s countdown. Happy Dew Year? What the fuck is a Dew Year Dick? If you can’t talk perhaps you shouldn’t be hosting a countdown that requires you to know more than ten numbers. Although it is fun to watch Seacrest try to respond to him without understanding any of the incoherent babble that comes out of his stroke face. Wait…what the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah…fucking Matt Cassel. I fucking hate you. Perhaps he wasn’t actually calling plays and his cadence was merely the involuntary responses of a dying brain. Perhaps we should put him out of his misery. Perhaps…So to you Matt Cassel I say fuck you and Happy Dew Year!
I didn’t watch Eagles-Packers game; I opted to pout instead, but the Packers won completing my quadfecta of awfulness for the weekend. So again, I ask you all. How hard is it to predict all four of these games wrong? Well it is statistically just as hard as getting them all correct. Therefore I am still a fucking genius and you gamblers out there should listen to my predictions for this week. Hey I am bound to be right at least once this post-season.
Ravens vs. Steelers
This week the Ravens stroll into the Iron City as they continue their trek to the Super Bowl. The Steelers had a week off to prepare for them and are well rested. Since this is a divisional matchup these teams have history the length of which is exceeded only by Ray Lewis’ and Ben Rothlisberger’s combined wrap sheets. The Ravens and the Steelers split the regular season series making this their rubber match. I think that the Steelers have the defensive edge in this game, although they have been a bit weak against the air attack this season. Luckily they have Jerome Harrison running around giving people adult onset Downs’ syndrome to compensate for this. There are still questions surrounding Big Ben’s leg and how it will affect his performance this week. While he is not normally known as an ultra mobile quarterback he has shown lately how important his scrambling abilities are to his success. Of note however are some puzzling crime trends that have arisen. During the past month date rape is down amongst young Pittsburgh coeds, while there has been a simultaneous increase in sexual assault amongst less mobile Pittsburgers including big fat fatties, regular fatties, slores, polio suffers, quadriplegics and Asian drivers which may represent an overall decrease in Ben’s mobility. However, this may simply be the result of recent weather patterns in the region. On the other side of the ball the Ravens are looking to build off of their victory in what can only be called a preseason matchup against the Chiefs last week. In Kansas City the Ravens were aided by the wonderful play of their defense (or something) however the offense played well in capitalizing on several key turnovers. Ray Rice will have a difficult time running on the vaunted Steelers D, but the proper use of him through the air may help to compensate for this. I think that this will be a very good matchup this week, but that the Ravens continue to role in Pittsburgh leaving their fans to eagerly await the opening day of Pirates baseball and shit out the coleslaw from their Primanti Bros. sandwiches. Or I guess they could root for the Penguins because they’re, ya know, good.
Packers vs. Falcons
Surprisingly (well to me I guess) the Packers went into Philadelphia and emerged unscathed. Now they have to travel into Atlanta that has been getting pounded by snow. If the game isn’t cancelled because of the inability of southerners to drive in weather other than sunny and dry the Packers will have to play the Falcons at home where they have won 20 of the last 22 games played there. The fact that the Atlanta Falcons have a home playoff game might be the biggest surprise of the season next to how incredibly small Brett Farve’s penis actually is. Did you see those pictures? Holy shit! Perhaps God said: “Hey, you have a really small penis but I will give you the ability to throw shit far”. But, I digress. This is the first home playoff game that they have had since 1998 when they eventually went to Super Bowl and lost to John Elway’s Broncos. As I mentioned before I was otherwise occupied during last weekend’s Green Bay victory (read: crying) so I have nothing to really go on for this game. I have watched a number of Falcons games this season as a fantasy owner of both Roddy White and Matt Ryan and what I saw was pretty impressive. Matt Ryan may look like the slightly retarded brother of Ferris Bueller, but he has looked good under center this year. Even better for the Falcons is that the Packers have no one that can cover Roddy White so if he and Ryan can get in a rhythm this game could be out of reach by the end of the first half. The Falcons defense has been exceptional this year. In order for the Packers to have a chance Rodgers will have to established himself against the Falcons relatively solid secondary since the Packers run worse than Heather Mills. I don’t know that either of these things will happen and this will likely be a pretty good game, but I am taking the Falcons in this one. They have been counted out several times this year and pulled through almost every time. In fact now that they Saints are out of it I have a feeling that the Falcons will be representing the NFC in Dallas this year.
Seahawks vs. Bears
Seahawks versus Bears rhymes with who cares. This is the probably the game I am least likely to give a flying fuck about this weekend. I don’t know why, but neither of the teams excites me. I don’t think that either of the teams can beat the winner of the Falcons-Packers match so it is kind of like this game is just to determine who is going to be runner-up for the NFC title. However if the Seahawks win again this weekend we could be looking at the New York Jets feel good story of the 2011. Yuck. If they do I will be rooting for them though because I am one of those sappy fucks that eats that shit up. If that was the real Matt Hasselback last weekend he should win this game with ease. The question is whether they will be able to put up enough points to keep up with Jay Cutler’s aerial assault. The Bears have used the standard Mike Martz offense package since he was installed as offensive coordinator this fall which in its basic sense means sending as many people downfield as legally allowed then the quarterback either throws it as far as he can or gets leveled like a Chinese village in a mudslide. It works best when your quarterback is Robo Cop. Uncharacteristically of a Martzian quarterback Cutler has survived fairly well this season. The Bears would like to get ahead in this game and let Matt Forte take control. However, if the Seahawks get out to an early lead the Bears will have no choice but to let Cutler loose. In this case he will be throwing the ball more often than Homeless Ted Williams has been on television in the past week and picked more times than a Katie Holmes herpes scab. I am basing this on very little, but I have a good feeling that the Seahawks come to play this game and we all get another heart-warming playoff tale this season. This game gets my “The Bachelor” award for this week based on the fact that I care as much about who wins this game as I do about who wins on the Bachelor…or is it because the winner of either has the same chance of actually closing the deal in the long run?
Jets vs. Patriots
This is the marquee game of the week. Let’s just hope that it is better than the face fucking that the Jets got a few weeks ago. No team in the league is hotter right now than the Patriots so the big question is how well can the Jets keep up? One thing is clear: if Sanchez plays he is going to be feeling it. He says that he is good to go, but likely one good shot and he is on the sidelines with his vagina in a sling. While Rex Ryan was busy rambling on like the crazy foot licker that he is Antonio Cormartie was talking shit about a player with more talent in his right testicle than he’ll ever have. Perhaps Cormartie should spend more time trying to remember the names of his nine bastard children! Actually what he should do is spend more time keeping his cock out of money grubbing ghetto bitches. Imagine the horror that cock has seen. Anyway, Tom Brady then responded like the professional that he is with a statement that resembled “I’m not going to stoop to your level little man”. All in all it was a complete waste of time. Tom Brady’s hair should be back and rested after the week off giving him the super powers he shouldn’t need to beat the Jets this week. I don’t really think that there is much analysis needed for this game. If you watched the latest match-up between these teams you can clearly see who the victor in this game will be.
Well there you have it, the preview for round two of the 2011 NFL playoffs. I know that I packed roughly zero analysis and about one almost funny joke into this week’s article, but that’s all I have. I don’t know if you realize this but I am getting paid $0 to do this for this shitty ass website and frankly, that’s probably too much, but it is all I have to make me feel like I am having real social interaction with other humans. Besides, I’m a fucking doctor. What are you?
PS – I would’ve included pics in this post, but I’m quite convinced that my computer has AIDs and is no longer able to make that happen.