Kickin' It Old School.

I would like to start a new series here at TCM called, “Kickin’ It Old School.” What is it all about you ask? It is going to be a look into how things were done in a more badass way back in the day. (See what I did there? I rhymed.) Not like today where everyone is a pussy. No. Things were done properly back then.

For the first episode in our series, we will talk about probably one of the most badass things you could possibly do back in the day. Dueling.

In case you’re a retard and don’t know what dueling is, I will give you a quick explanation. Dueling is when 2 people, most of the time men, have a disagreement or one made the other look bad and must be settled in a proper form. A prearrangement is made at a certain time and location. Once the time has arrived, each man holds a pistol standing back to back. They then walk 10 paces in opposite directions, turning around the shooting the other. Who ever dies or cries like a baby, loses. Simple but epic.

The frame of mind back in the day is completely different then now. Safety wasn’t exactly a priority. The same could be said about personal hygiene. Dueling actually began sometime in the 11th century (That’s the 1200’s for you simple minded folk). Modern day guns weren’t invented until about the 1300’s so dueling was done with swords until then. This was considered the “dark times” of dueling. It was not uncommon to come away from a duel missing a few limbs. So yea, it got annoying to walk around with 1 leg and/or arm for the rest of your life, so in response, guns were invented (not really).

In case you were wondering, there are written rules for a duel. Not surprisingly enough it was originally drawn up by a committee of Irishmen and called the Code Duello. It pretty much outlined how to apologize properly to avoid a duel, if that failed, how to properly conduct the duel and what constitutes the end of a duel. If read in it’s entirety, it actually makes pretty good sense but at the same time is friggen crazy.

Here is an example of how to properly make an apology. Mr. A accuses Mr. B of having a small penis. Mr. B calls Mr. A a liar. Back in those times, it was worse to be called a liar than actually be accused of something. In this case, having a small wiener. So to properly apologize, Mr. A must apologize to Mr. B for saying he has a small unit because he made the first “offense”. If Mr. B accepts his apology he must then apologize to Mr. A for calling him a liar because he made the second “offense” or retort. If Mr. A accepts Mr. B’s apology then the duel is canceled. If neither accept the apologies then it still stands. We all know Mr. B has a small penis because he could have just whipped it out and slapped Mr. A across the face with it to end this disagreement.

If the duel stands, then you must choose your weapons. As taken from the actual Code Duello:

The challenged has the right to choose his own weapon, unless the challenger gives his honor he is no swordsman; after which, however, he can decline any second species of weapon proposed by the challenged.

Now, this could get interesting. They didn’t necessarily have to chose swords or guns. Too bad they didn’t have RPG’s or flamethrowers back then. That would have been a show.

After weapons are chosen, you must choose a second. A second is someone who accompanies you to the duel. You had to be careful in choosing your seconds. Sure you could choose your best friend but what if they were a complete idiot? the second’s responsibilities are to load your gun (if it’s a gun) at the duel, possibly try and reconcile with the opposing party and ultimately defend your honor. You could also have thirds, fourths, and so on. The last thing you want is a drunken retard defending your honor. Many times though during a duel the seconds from both sides got into disagreements with each other and would go ahead and have a duel between themselves at your duel. I mean who does Mr. A’s second think he is accusing Mr. B of having small balls as well? In come’s Mr. B’s second to the rescue. Not that they were trying to steal your spotlight but things could very quickly get out of control.

You all know what happens now. The ass to ass stance, the 10 paces in opposite directions and then bang someone is injured, dead or neither. Well in this case, Mr. A kills Mr. B (small penis guy in case you got lost). After further investigation, it would up that Mr. B just had gigantic legs. Oops.

Almost anything could constitute a duel. Here is a classic example: A man accuses you of adultery (cheating). This same man just so happens to be the only school teacher in town who has your kids as students. You of course deny this because you don’t want your wife and kids to know, but in reality you are banging that hot lass from the next village over. So to prove your innocence and shut this guy up, you challenge him to a duel. You choose Thursday at 5pm because you like to do your killin’ after dinner. Your weapons and seconds are also chosen. The time comes and you both are back to back, pistols in hand. You both take 10 paces, turn and shoot. The school teacher misses but you hit him right in the head, leaving a bloody, sloppy mess. Alright, this “lie” can now be laid to rest. The duel master approaches you and states now that you killed the only school teacher, you have to be the new teacher. “Fuck.” is all you say. So, giving your entire village the middle finger, you get on your horse and ride to the next village where your hot young thang lives. But it turns out that she was actually a witch and was burned at the stake 3 days ago. That’s what you get for not having Facebook, 1700’s!

If you’re curious as to if dueling is still used today, here’s a clip from one of our favorite shows to give you an answer:

Since dueling was never prohibited federally, the government left it up to each individual state. Not all states have jumped on this bandwagon to prohibit dueling. See if your state made the list!

  • Alaska – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Arizona – No statutory dueling prohibition for civilians; prohibited for personnel of the state national guard
  • California – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Connecticut – No statutory dueling prohibition for civilians; prohibited for personnel of the state national guard
  • Delaware – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Georgia – No statutory dueling prohibition for civilians; prohibited for personnel of the state national guard
  • Hawaii – No statutory dueling prohibition for civilians; prohibited for personnel of the state national guard
  • Illinois – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Indiana – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Iowa – No statutory dueling prohibition for civilians; prohibited for personnel of the state national guard
  • Kansas – No statutory dueling prohibition for civilians; prohibited for personnel of the state national guard
  • Louisiana – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Maine – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Maryland – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Minnesota – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Missouri – No statutory dueling prohibition for civilians; prohibited for personnel of the state national guard
  • Montana – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Nebraska – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • New Hampshire – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • New Jersey – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • North Carolina – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Ohio – No statutory dueling prohibition for civilians; prohibited for personnel of the state national guard
  • Pennsylvania – No statutory dueling prohibition for civilians; prohibited for personnel of the state national guard
  • South Dakota – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Vermont – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Washington – No statutory dueling prohibition for civilians; prohibited for personnel of the state national guard
  • Wisconsin – No statutory dueling prohibition
  • Wyoming – No statutory dueling prohibition

So the next time someone gives you a dirty look from across the bar in Montana, challenge that man to a duel. What’s the worse that could happen? O yea, you could die.

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