I would like to talk to you all today about something that was created several years ago and has been all the craze with redneck truck owners. They dangle off the back of your vehicle, come in different sizes, colors and shapes. I’m talking about Truck Nuts. The stupid fucking balls you see dangling off the back of pick-up trucks, SUV’s and your grandma.
Truck Nuts were born somewhere in the Deep South. It’s not officially known the exact birthplace but it’s somewhere that stinks like ball sweat and where they still believe that it’s ok to fuck your siblings. The idea was conceived after 2 brothers named Cletus and Jed polished off 2 and a half cases of Bud in an afternoon between 11am and 1:45pm on a Tuesday. Cletus claimed that his truck had bigger balls than Jed’s. Of course Jed begged to differ. So after a couple fist fights and makeout sessions later the 2 decided to put their trucks to the test. They would start over at the old Pigpusher barn, race down past Klan Creek up through Mr. Toothless’ junkyard and finish off at the Clappers strip joint.
Instead of me describing the race, I will copy and paste here half of the first verse to The Distance by Cake.
Reluctantly crouched at the starting line,
Engines pumping and thumping in time.
The green light flashes, the flags go up.
Churning and burning, they yearn for the cup.
They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank,
Fuel burning fast on an empty tank.
Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns.
Their prowess is potent and secretly stearn.
As they speed through the finish, the flags go down.
That was a good filler to waste time just like Family Guy does ever to often. Ok, Back to the story…
So the brothers end up at Clappers and there is still no clear cut winner. So they decide to finish this over a couple of strippers and beers. It’s about 3pm on that same Tuesday and Cletus and Jeb’s favorite stripper is performing. As they walk into the bar, Cletus is approached by his wife Bessie who is also his sister and part time daughter. She is all irate about him going in to see his favorite stripper, Mary-Lou aka “Diamond” aka his other sister again. After a couple minutes of a heated exchange of words between the 2, Bessie storms off to her pickup and pulls out her ol’ trusty double barrel, aims it at Cletus’ nutsack, pulls the trigger and boom…straight off.
After all the commotion of Cletus losing his balls then tragically dying from blood loss, no one can seem to find his nutsack anywhere. The Sheriff eventually shows up and everyone is looking for Cletus’ missing coin purse. As they were about to give up, Jeb asks the Sheriff to go to the back of Cletus’ pickup truck and fetch them all a beer. As the Sheriff approaches the truck, he see’s Cletus’ balls dangling off the back of the truck. Cletus had officially won and Truck Nuts were officially born.
So, if you are down South and see a pair of old crusty balls hanging from the back of a truck, you will know and remember ol’ Cletus. He sacrificed his balls so that every other redneck out can place them on their truck, in different colors and shapes, to let the world know that they themselves have no balls.