Manatees Are Ruining the Game of Golf

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That’s right, those huge bastards are ruining the game of golf. Manatees all over Florida are uniting to piss retirees off. An easier way to do this is to drive fast, remember what you ordered from a restaurant, and have control over all of your bowel movements.

But why is this happening?

Manatees, known as sea cows, believe they can play at a high level, the same high level as their half brother Phil Mickelson. There’s no questioning their claim. When Mickelson blew up in the US Open years ago it was because a Manatee choir broke out in celebration too quickly at the Winged Foot private party room apparently pissing off the staff. Phil’s hoping that his kin staff calm, cool and collective for his lame attempt for a Masters jacket in April.

On a related note, today is Valentines Day. Take a moment to think back at all the Manatees you once sweated over for Valentines then punch yourself in the nuts for doing it. Contrary to popular belief, Manatees are not hot.

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