Jabba The Hutt: A Closer Look

Month after month Google analytics tell us that Chewbacca is the 2nd most searched page on TCM after swimsuit models. Fair enough. While Captain Polish is thrilled by this, i’d like to take another look at the vastly under appreciated, Jabba the Hutt.

For living on a planet full of heat and sand he’s got the coldest mother fucking heart I’ve ever seen. Imagine if someone owed you a shitload of money, but never paid you. Most vile gangsters would have them tortured and murdered. Not your boy Jabba, he pays top dollar to purchase them frozen in carbonite and then displays them as a trophy in his throne room where they will be forever mocked.

God damn.

Jabba’s kind of like the Godfather. He’s fat as shit and just sits back and calls the shots while his minions do his dirty work. The best part is, he can actually walk or slither but chooses not to exert himself. As seen in the extra scene in Episode 4 (thank you very much George Lucas). Meanwhile, Jabba gets high, let his chained up scantly clad slaves do dance numbers for him and lets his band get down. Let me tell you, that blue elephant mother fucker on the keyboard gets shit done. He’s like an intergalactic Ray Charles.

So what if Jabba can’t get his proveribal nut off? He can still lick that pussy with the crazy reptilian tongue he’s got while that little weasel fucker laughs his brain off.

Jabba, your an extraterrestrial pimp, and TCM salutes you!

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2 Responses to Jabba The Hutt: A Closer Look

  1. I’m fully convinced that the little blue guy is Gonzo’s father. He disowned him when Gonzo decided not to be a musician in order to take up acting and having sex with chickens named Camilla.

  2. I heard that Max Reebo died of a heroin overdose in 1986. I also heard that he lives to this day traveling across the American Southwest on the run from the law (and from a life’s worth of scornful women), so it’s really anybody’s guess.

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