You’ve probably done this many times, especially when you were 5. You went to Burger King (probably one of the greatest fast food restaurants in the world next to Taco Bell), ordered some food (or had it ordered for you), turned around to notice a crown, and promptly began to rock the shit out of it. This has been the story of my life ever since I had original thought probably around the age of 3.
Last week while on an epic road trip, I stopped into a Burger King and repeated this familiar sequence of events, but I noticed something. The geniuses at Burger King wrote something inside the crown! They have provided all of us with the Laws of the Crown. Here’s what they came up with:
A) Adjust size and be the first to place on head.
B) Whoever places the Crown on his or her head first, then in a loud voice proclaims “I am the King” is from that moment forward, in charge. Rule ends if Crown is removed (see Coup d’etat). Crownings can happen anywhere, at anytime.
1. There can only be one King.
2. The King always gets his/her way.
3. The King must speak with some kind of cool accent.
4. The King makes all the important decisions governing selection of TV channels, movies, radio stations, as well as popular activities like snow-boarding, pool hopping and cow tipping. The King also determines who gets the remote, who rides “shotgun” and, of course, who pays.
5. Rule ends when Crown is removed for more than 3 seconds (see Three Second Law).
6. Disagreement with the King results in a “penalty.” This is decided by the King. Common penalties include: forfeiture of fries, surrender of video game controller and banishment from the office cubicle.
Three Second Law
The King’s rule ends when the Crown is removed from their head for any reason, accidental or otherwise. The first person to exclaim, “One…Two…Three…King” may claim the Crown.
In The Event Of A Tie
If two people Crown themselves King simultaneously, the person who birth date is closest to Dec. 4, 1954 (date the first Burger King opened) is 5ng.
If everyone agrees you completely stink as King, your rule may be renounced. This constitutes a Coup d’etat. A new King may be Crowned if the group can reach a unanimous decision. If not, the Three Second Law applies.
If you are eating in Burger King, your rule extends all the way to the edge of the parking lot. Off restaurant grounds, your rule extends to a radius of 10 feet around you in any direction.
Wow. First off, I really can’t believe I wrote all of that down. Second, I can’t believe some idiot came up with all of this. Yeah, I’m a fan of Burger King and will continue to rock a crown when I go there, but I don’t need some douchebag to tell me how to act when wearing it.
I admit, there are some cool powers Burger King came up with for it like controlling the TV and what not, but what the hell is the Three Second Law all about? Any goon could slap this thing off your head at any time and yep, you’re fucked.
Imagine if the laws of the crown were valid in real life? Could you work for your boss if they rocked a crown everyday at work? I know I’d be plotting each day on ways to dethrone them. It’d be amazing. I could hide behind a door and form tackle them into their desk. Once I threw the crown on, they’d be my bitch according to the powers of the crown.
Imagine rocking the crown to a football game and reserving the right to kick people out of their seats at the 50-yard line. I’m so down. Or imagine using the powers of the crown to designate a beer bitch.
Wow. I just reconvinced myself that the laws of the crown are pretty bad ass indeed. The best part is I bet there is a way to make Burger King liable for anything you do with it on, right? We’ll find out at The Meeting Of The Minds in NYC during Columbus Day weekend. More to come on that event…