Captain Flintheart’s Top 5 Celebrity Crushes

Captain Flintheart likes his female celebrities two ways. Either fantastic looking and classy as hell like the actresses of yesteryear (more on that on a future post) or fully stocked, thick and robust. As a rule I’m not interested in ridiculously skinny girls, ESPECIALLY if you can see her ribs. In fact, you may remember I was the only TCM member to vote pro-boobs in the epic debate. I think it will be easy to see which actresses I chose fall into what category.

5. Natalie Portman
Natalie Portman

Natalie Portman isn’t hot…she’s beautiful.

Bonus Points: She starred in 3 Star Wars movies.


4. Christina Hendricks
Christina Hendricks

She made this list despite me never seeing one episode of Mad Men. Her proportions are so amazing that I’m not wholly convinced she wasn’t created by teenage boys on a computer like the movie Weird Science. If I worked in an office with her, I would have to quit. There is no way I could ever focus on getting any work done. Every time she walked into the room my brain would turn to mush and I would just stare with drool in the corner of my mouth.


3. Zooey Deschanel
Zooey Deschanel

Actress, singer, Katy Perry doppelganger and star of what looks like a horrible new Fox sitcom. She’s just so goddamn adorable that it’s impossible not to like her. Slender and cute, she’s a class act. She doesn’t have to whore herself out like Ke$ha.

Bonus Points: I actually like her music.


Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek

Dear god. That dark spicy Spanish exoticism combined with a rack that I would kill my own mother (or at least Captain Yar’s) just to get a peek at with my own eyes. She’s been aging quite nicely over the last few years and continues to show off the world’s best cleavage.

Bonus Points: Dance scenes from Dusk Till Dawn and Dogma, various nude scenes and breast feeding advocacy.


1. Scarlett Johansson
Scarlett Johansson

Admittedly, this may be a little dated and lord knows I haven’t seen a new movie with her in a few years. The reason she is number one on my list is that she perfectly embodies my two interests here. She is both classically beautiful and has a curvacious body. Bottom line: she’s just the total package.

Woody Allen would agree.

Bonus Points: Recently leaked naked pictures.

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