This fall, after years of studying the same boring shit, I finally reached the rank of “doctor”. Accordingly I decided that since I was now better than everyone else I used to work I decided that it was a good time to find a new job. While this new job came with several perks including a small increase in pay and a minute amount of feigned respect, it unfortunately came with changes to the working environment including an entirely new shitting situation. At the old job I had a relatively private bathroom used only by the few members of my work group and an enormous man named Stu who came once a day, every day around 11:00AM to destroy the bathroom. With this situation everybody was able to have their own private sessions and the unwritten rules of defecation were strictly adhered too. Now, I assumed that these rules were universal, but much to my surprise when I started at my new job site I learned very quickly that this was not the case. So here, in the hopes that maybe someone that I work with will read this rant, I am going to formally describe to you several rules which should be followed in almost all public bathrooms, except in case of emergency (Re: about to shit one’s pants). There are however a few notable exceptions. These include massive public locations such as ballparks, arenas and malls. Additionally these rules are not intended for use by women. I have no idea what the fuck goes on in women’s bathrooms. They have extra doors, sanitary napkin dispensers, clean counters, douche receptacles and usually smell like a combination of potpourri and woman shit. With those exceptions if you find yourself in violation of any of these rules you ought to reconsider just who the fuck you think you are and change your defecation procedure.
Rule #1 – No Introductions
Okay. I get it. I’m new here. It’s only natural that you are excited to meet me. I’m pretty fucking awesome. But just as you are coming out the handicap stall which, I assume by your use of two legs and that smell, you were in for the leverage that the cripple bars provide, is not the time to introduce yourself to me. More importantly, I don’t want to shake your shit stained hand. I assume that you are right-handed as it is the hand that you offered me, but are you a left-handed ass wiper? Because if not you are literally offering me the chance to share the experience of wiping your ass, and since this is the first time we are meeting, we aren’t that close yet. I also don’t want the Howie Mandel fist bump. For that matter I don’t even want to talk to you. Just shut the fuck up, wash your hands and go back to work! Now, if you are concerned that you may not get a chance to meet me anytime in the near future then you can wait for outside. But a let me warn you if this is after my first cup of coffee or right after lunch you may be waiting for awhile so if you don’t have 15-20 minutes to kill you may want to shoot me an email instead.
Rule #2 – No Phone Conversations
You’re probably a busy person. We work in a pretty high functioning work place and often it can be difficult to find the time to get a little person stuff done during business hours and many places are only open from 9-5. I understand. But guess what? The bathroom is not the place to be doing this business. The bathroom is the place where you go to do one of three things: (1) piss, (2) shit or (3) pretend to shit so people leave you alone and you can play Angry Birds or watch Netflix on you iPod. There is no 4. There is no “checking in with your wife” or “calling the DMV” option. I don’t care if you want to text you’re the guy that waxes your nut sack or email the douche the month club with respect to your girlfriends persistent crotch rot, just don’t talk on the phone. It’s confusing to other people and disrupts the serene environment of the bathroom. Not to mention, I now feel obligated to really cut loose just so your grandmother can hear that the only time you have to call her is when you go to the bathroom. This not only violates Rule #5, but also is stressful to my turd cutter and can induce splash back and/or back splatter.
Rule #3 – Buddy Dumping
This rule pertains to certain size bathrooms; mainly those that contain 2 or 3 shitters. Just because there is another stall that I am not shitting in doesn’t mean you should use it. You obviously have to shit. So did I five minutes ago but when I went to my preferred bathroom there was somebody already shitting there. Did I sit down next to him and blast my own shit rocket? No. I found this bathroom that was completely unoccupied where I could have peace and quiet and not worry that someone would find out that I am on a 3 day Taco Bell binge. So why in the world do you think that I want to share this shit factory with you? Move the fuck on! There are plenty of other bathrooms where you can do this that I don’t have to worry about muffling my diarrhea farts or wondering if that shit smell belongs to me or you. It determines whether I can enjoy it or not. The act of sitting next to another dumper is commonly known as turd burglaring and is probably the most egregious violation on this list. Most guys get about 10 minutes to themselves per day at the office and your inconsideration has interrupted this. So fuck you. At my old job this rule was strictly obeyed. At my new job I constantly find myself shitting next to people. I would prefer people broke every other rule on this list than this one. If you have to piss, that’s fine. Just make it quick. Come in, piss, wash hands leave. Hell, if you follow these rules I don’t even mind following Rule #4.
Rule #4 – Courtesy Flush
This one is pretty self-explanatory, but if someone else comes in to piss while you are in mid-domination give them a flush. Don’t be too quick or you may confuse them into thinking that you are done and they can shit there as well. Typically it should be done just after you see the feet sidle up to the urinal or right after you hear the first drop of piss hit the toilet water.
Rule #5 – Domination Exaltation
This is for high occupancy bathrooms in which multiple people can shit without violating for Rule #3 or when someone comes in to take a piss. It can be tough depending on the amount hot wings and cum you have consumed in the past 24 hours, but no one wants to hear you destroy the bathroom that they are sharing with you. I can’t tell you how disturbing it is when someone doesn’t even have the courtesy to stifle their asshole. Just the other day I was in the bathroom and someone comes in, clearly violating Rule #3, and then as if to say “Fuck you, I don’t care about you or anyone else in the world” and proceeds to piss out of his ass with all the associated farts and whistles. I left. Mid-shit. I wiped my ass, washed my hands, and went to the other bathroom down the hall. People who exhibit this behavior should realize that the stall walls don’t go all the way down and I can tell who you are by the shoes you wear. As payback I have been getting to work extra early and wiping enormous boogers on the adjustment handle of his chair. Before I do it though I lower just slightly so he has to adjust it. Payback is a bitch turd burglar.
So there you have it. By following this small list of rules while you are at the office you can drastically improve the quality of the work lives of the people around you. Violate them at your own risk, because remember, the stall walls don’t go all the way down, you don’t own that many pairs of shoes and payback is a bitch.