December 12, 2012 is a date that has people scratching your heads. According to ancient Mayan calendars, that is the end of the world as we know it. (Cut it out R.E.M.) Who the bloody hell knows what is going to happen when that date comes around. Will people all over the world go bonkers thinking, “Oh my God, the world is going to end!?” Maybe. Just maybe.
The only true person who knows what happens on that day is John Cusack. As we have seen in the film, 2012, he gets into several near death experiences while the world is ending but somehow miraculously escapes them all and as we’ve seen in Hot Tub Time Machine, he can travel through time. So what better person to ask than John Cusack himself. After several attempts to call, one black eye from his security guard and a restraining order against TCM we are unable to truly find out what will happen. So, we will turn to the next best thing; figuring this shit out for ourselves.
We sat down one Sunday afternoon over some tea and biscuits and had a very intellectual conversation about how we think the world will end in 2012. It was surprising enough with what we came up with even though no one walked away with any broken bones as that’s usually what happens during one of our “discussions”. So sit back, grab a bag of beer and a can of chips and ponder how your semi-awesome life will end. Hell, who knows one of these could actually be the Earth’s fate.
How it happens: A Comet
What will happen: Your probably thinking an asteroid will come and destroy earth on that fateful day. That’s too obvious if you ask me. So we went for the next best thing, a comet. Comets are those large glowing rocket looking thingies (That’s a scientific term!) you see in the sky every several some odd years. Usually they are far enough away from Earth not to be worried but close enough to see with the nude eye. It truly is a fantastic spectacle. Almost exactly like watching a bum beat up a dog to get that last piece of meat from a steak that was thrown out only to have a bird come by and swipe it out of his hands forcing him to throw rocks and yell like a caveman. It’s ok Dad, you’ll get another chance.
What is most scary about a comet is that it is unpredictable. It is made of mostly ice, rocks and urine which just so happens to be the same ingredients for crack cocaine. It is unpredictable because of the random movements that occur because of the ice shooting out bursts of air. A comet could be traveling one direction one minute, then bam a complete 90 degree change the next. Comets travel at roughly 30 miles per second which to say the least is fucking fast as shit. They can be up to 6 miles in circumference as well. So, if a 6 mile rock hits the earth at 30 mp/s just imagine having sex with Christina Hendricks, now picture the complete opposite. Yea, something like that.
How to prevent it: Fly a Viking atop a T-Rex atop a shark with a laser beam on it’s head into outer space, shoot it with the said laser making a hole in the comet, knocking it off course saving everyone on Earth from certain death. Well, almost everyone.
Percentage of likeliness that this will actually happen: 87.2%
How it happens: The Plague which in turn becomes a Zombie Apocalypse (Sort of)
What will happen: Remember Bird Flu? Remember Swine Flu? Those are just appetizers as to what’s next. 2012 will be the year of the Grizzly Bear Flu which is more popularly known around these parts as, Beastman AIDS. It is much more dangerous than the past 2 influenza’s. What the Grizzly Bear Flu does to a person is nothing like we’ve seen before. The virus attacks the brain making the person think they actually are a Grizzly Bear and injects a massive amount of testosterone into their system. The first few days it is a slow progression towards full blown Beastman AIDS. Your appetite for honey and fish becomes greater, after every few words spoken you start to growl and you start to grow an amazing beard, regardless of gender. After the first week, you pretty much are completely infected. You lose all human thoughts and actions. You shit while walking (Which I’ve always wanted to do, FYI), you sleep in trees and you become extremely extremely protective of your personal space, such as a Grizzly Bear would. That is how the human race will come to an end, everyone who is infected will attack those who are infected essentially killing them and making them infected. Eventually all humans will be wiped out and the ones left infected will kill off each other since there is nothing else to kill. The only animal remaining on earth will be this. His plan had finally worked.
How to prevent it: Don’t have sex with Grizzly Bear’s or anyone who has had sex with a Grizzly Bear as for it is too late for them and you will become infected. Plus no one should be fucking Grizzly Bears, that’s got to be illegal or something.
Percentage of likeliness that this will actually happen: 23.1%
How it happens: A Black Hole
What will happen: So there are these things in outer space called black holes. What they are, no one truly knows. Well, extremely smart people know what they are and I’m sure if you go look it up you too can find out what they are but for the sake of this post, no one knows what they truly are. They apparently can suck entire planets and sun’s into it sending them to God knows where. Presumably a place much like a soup kitchen right after it has run out of soup and there is still a line. A very dark place. Not even light can escape a black hole’s grasp. Our planet is located in the Milky Way Galaxy and in the past 2 years there has been confirmation of a black hole in our galaxy. Our theory is that the black hole one day is gonna be all like, “I’m so depressed, I have no friends and everyone hates me.” Then it’s going to go into a state of deep depression. The issue here is this black hole eats when it is depressed. So it starts to eat and eat and eat all the planets and suns around it and eventually becomes a supermassive black hole. This can be compared to an obese person. There are no upsides and you have to roll them in flour just to find where they are wet. So what does an obese person like to do besides lounge on the couch, breathing heavily while salivating over the deep fried cheesecake Paula Dean just made? They like to eat. Same applies to a supermassive black hole. They like to eat…a lot. There is nothing more dangerous than a depressed, obese supermassive black hole. So pretty much Earth eventually gets eaten by this black hole and we all become it’s poop.
How to prevent it: Become friends with the black hole so it doesn’t go into depression therefore eating everything in it’s path. Or you could just pay for a stomach bypass surgery, but you’re probably better off becoming it’s friend.
Percentage of likeliness that this will actually happen: 57.7%
How it happens: Dinosaurs will initially take over, then Aliens will domesticate the Dino’s and become ultimate rulers
What will happen: If John Hammond was real, I’m pretty sure he would have figured out how to make Dinosaurs real again much like he did in the 1993 epic motion picture, Jurassic Park. And much like the motion picture, the Dinosaurs would break free and start eating humans. It’s inevitable. The current theory floating around the TCM office is that John Hammond was in fact an alien; as in an extraterrestrial. Don’t you think that if it was possible to make Dinosaurs in the real world, that it would have been done already? Dr. Hammond used his superior brain quality to figure out a way to install living, breathing Dinosaurs into present day 1993. We think his ulterior motive was to have the Dinosaurs take over the world. He would then call his alien brothers and sisters to come down to earth and ride the Dinosaurs killing any remaining human in their path shooting red and blue lasers. Sound familiar at all? Well it should. There was a little TV show called Dino-Riders back in the 80s. An alien race teleported to Earth training the Dinosaurs to become their weapons trying to kill off the human population. Funny, who knew that a little old 14 episode cartoon series would predict Earth’s fate? I did.
How to prevent it: Kill John Hammond.
Percentage of likeliness that this will actually happen: 8.5%
How it happens: Someone wakes up from a drunken stupor and realizes Earth was all a dream
What will happen: Here’s an example. You get very drunk, pass out and have a very weird but vivid dream about you being a hot dog street vendor. You go by the name of JoJo’s Hot Dogs. You have many different types of hot dogs that the public loves and you are raking in the dough. There is no recollection of your other life though. You are so happy in your dream that you pee yourself in your sleep state. You wake up moist and drunk thinking, what was that? Was that me dreaming about JoJo and his fantastic hot dogs or is it JoJo dreaming about me urinating myself? Some mind bending shit right there. Still can’t grasp it? Think about the movie the Matrix staring the greatest actor ever, Keanu Reeves. He sleeps and becomes this super ninja kicking ass all over a world that doesn’t exist. When he wakes up he is in some shit-tastic world that pretty much sucks. Same applies to this drunk who is asleep dreaming all of us. In your dream, it may seem like hours go by but in reality maybe 30 seconds goes by. If this were true though, I’m sure this guy would have woken up by now and not allow Michael Jackson to touch all those little boys. It is an interesting thing to ponder, not MJ being a pedder ass, but the fact that this could all be one big dream.
How to prevent it: Somehow keep feeding drunkie a steady supply of sleeping pills. Not too much or he dies, not enough and we die.
Percentage of likeliness that this will actually happen: 2%