The Captain's Guide to Concert-Going

Happy summer concert season! When holding our daily meeting through our respective company emails, the Captain’s decided that concert-goers need a few guidelines here and there to follow. In the past week I’ve gone to four shows and was tapped for this assignment. It really wasn’t too much. The toughest part was trying to persuade Captain Flintheart that assless chaps should never be worn at any show.

Well, without further delay, here is the Captain’s Guide to Concert-Going:

Dress

It’s important to dress the part or else your whole concert experience is going to be off. Captain Kirk once wore a Luchadore Mask to a Rancid show. It was cool until he couldn’t see where he was moshing…

  • You can wear anything you want to a show, but do not try to dress like the band.
  • Band shirts are also forbidden (this was addressed in the John Favreau and Jeremy Piven hit, PCU).
  • Vintage band shirts are OK to wear. Vintage band shirts are defined as a shirt from a tour at least 10 years ago. For example, wearing a No Code Pearl Jam tour shirt is OK. Wearing a tour shirt from the Vote for Change tour is unacceptable.
  • If you wear sandals, everyone has the right to step on your feet and you have no grounds for fighting anyone that does.

Pregame

Ahhh, the pregame concert festivities. Some consider this as being the most important part of the concert experience. If you’re not in a good mindset, you’re going to have a shitty show.

  • Drinking and/or smoking before a show it ritualistic and OK, but being out of control drunk and/or stoned before the show is not OK.
  • Plan accordingly, if you need a spatula to flip burgers, bring one.
  • You can bum alcohol from others, but never food.
  • Lawn games are great at shows; however if you cannot play at a proficient level, you shouldn’t play at all.
  • Public urination is OK. Guys if you see a girl peeing let her be. Starring is sick. Girls if you see a guy peeing, do what you must. If he tries to hide his junk, he’s trying to tell you something about his package.
  • If you need to throw up, make it to a grassy area. There’s nothing worse than puke on pavement.
  • Don’t act like an idiot. You’re not the only excited person to see the show.
  • Pregaming and missing the opening act is OK. Not pregaming and missing the opening act makes you an asshole.

The Show

You’re all wound up and ready to go. Now it’s time for the show! Make sure you don’t spike your own drink. Captain Kirk recalls of a time he did this at Bonaroo and woke up in a cornfield in Tennessee.

  • If you buy a shirt, do not put it on right away regardless of your condition.
  • The beer tent is great, but if you down more than 6 beers in there, you probably shouldn’t have spent more than $50 to see the show.
  • If you’re going to sing along with the band, you better know ALL the words.
  • Playing rock band is OK during the show as long as you sort of look like you know what you’re doing.
  • Cell phone waving during the slow songs is gay. Don’t do it. Bring a lighter and go retro-80’s style instead.
  • Cell phone picture taking and video taking are not necessary as well.
  • Talking on your cell phone is prohibited.
  • Come to think of it, don’t even use or look at your phone.
  • Nice of you to bring an umbrella, but sack up like everyone else and get rained on – we can’t see the show behind you.
  • If everyone’s sitting and your standing, sit down. If everyone’s standing and your sitting, stand up.
  • No one cares about your emotions during the show, they just want to see the band.
  • There’s no need to scream as loud as you can for each song. Everyone will know when the band is playing well and when they are not.
  • Expect to be bumped into and pushed around if you’re near the pit or in the crowd.
  • Don’t mess with any one’s girlfriend/boyfriend unless you want to fight.
  • If you want to fight, go to the parking lot.
  • Don’t like people smoking? Deal with it.
  • Smoking around people that don’t like it? Tell them to deal with it.
  • You’re waiting too long for the bathroom if you’re in line for more than 2 songs. It’s your obligation to take matters into your own hands if this is the case.
  • Hungry? Wait till after the show to eat.
  • Never leave early.
  • Always cheer for an encore.

After the Show

When the show ends, don’t be a douche.

  • Pushing people will piss them off and likely get you kicked in the groin region.
  • If traffic is a must exit, sit back and relax with a beer you saved for after the show. It will taste that much better.
  • Don’t stalk the band. It’s creepy, unless you’re a hot groupie. Then everyone wins, sort of.
  • Follow the crowd; you’ll be with hundreds of people you can relate to the rest of the night.
  • Don’t rush to your car so you’ll be first to leave. It never happens and makes you look stupid.

That’s about it. If you have something we missed feel free to send us a comment.

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2 Responses to The Captain's Guide to Concert-Going

  1. Well put, Cap’n. There’s nothing to disagree with here. Nothing worse than douchebags that just scream through the entire show.

    You may, however, need to put an addendum to the “don’t dress like the band” rule. At KISS concerts, it’s a time-honored tradition.

  2. Everything seems spot on, except:

    “You can bum alcohol from others, but never food.”

    This is a common misconception. I read a few pages from a book about tailgating etiquette by a guy who toured the country tailgating at various events. He said that if something looks tasty, and you ask nicely, people will generally be glad to share. I’ve since tried it and he’s absolutely right. People seem to get off on it. Think about it, everyone love’s being told, “this food you made tastes good.”

    While it may not work with the group of douches at the DMB show who came to beat up faux-hippies, generally people will give up some of what they’ve got. In fact, I’ve never been denied. Give it a shot because as I’m sure you know, free food just tastes better.

    Hello Gleadad. Keep up the good work Cap’ns

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