Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching

I want to make it clear that this isn’t a list of movies that are generally accepted to be shitty, but movies I wasted my time, energy, and money on. These are four times in my life when my judgment was severely impaired.

#4 – Halloween H20

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Before I saw this, I had never seen any movie in the Halloween series. When I asked the people I was going with what it was about their response was, “it’s that movie with Michael Myers”. Not knowing who the fuck Michael Myers was, I assumed they were talking about the comedian Mike Myers. I’ve never been more inaccurate in my life. What I was treated to was one of the worst movies I’d ever seen. No movie should have more than one sequel, two at most (there are some exceptions) but once it gets to the 7th or 8th installment, you know quality control is since long gone.

Good rule of thumb: If LL Cool J is in a movie, it has to be fucking terrible.

#3 – Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace

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As excited as I was to see a new Star Wars movie after waiting my entire life, what I was treated to was a steaming bowl of shit. A CGI face fuck, one of the most annoying movie characters ever, a whiny kid and a slow moving plot. Oh, and a pod racing scene that would be cool if I was 8. Easily the best thing about this movie is the inclusion of Liam Neeson.

#2 – Pool Hall Junkies

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This movie is so bad that I must have mentally blocked out most of what actually happens in the movie because there isn’t much I remember about it. Just the disgusting taste in my mouth every time I speak the title. I recall being at the video rental store in 2003 and my friends couldn’t decide on a movie. My one friend picked this from the shelf and uttered the immortal words, “My cousin saw this on Showtime and said it was really good”. We were all skeptical but tried to validate it by the fact that Christopher Walken was in it. What followed was an hour and a half of the worst acting, story and music I had ever witnessed. Everyone knows the only definitive pool movie is the Hustler with Paul Newman. End of story.

#1 – Indiana Jones And The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

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I know I have already discussed this movie. But I am still in disbelief that this film got made 19 years later and how shitty of a movie it was. If Creed fans won a law suit for suing the band because they sucked, why the fuck can’t we sue George Lucas? If this movie came out during the height of the George Bush Administration, we would have had a new torture method to use on Al Qaeda.

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2 Responses to Movies I Wish I Never Spent Time Watching

  1. This is a fantastic, very funny list. What really elevates it is the inclusion of Halloween H20. While Episode 1 and Crystal Skull have been shat on plenty, H20 somehow manages to evade the discussion of terrible movies so I applaud you for pulling it from its dark corner and making it face the light. The LL Cool J analysis is spot on.

    That movie also marks the start of what I like to refer to as the Terrible Josh Hartnett Haircut Era, where from approximately 1998-2001 his hair consistently appeared to have been styled by one of those robotic pincher arms from that arcade game where you try to pick up a stuffed animal.

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