Awww shit. 2009 was an excellent year for only 1 reason. Your favoritest website was born, The Captains Memos. It was a brutal labor and the birth mother unfortunately died, but what arose out of the steaming pile of mung was something that has put a permanent stain on all of your eyes.
We would like to showcase some of our best
and worst moments throughout the past year. Enjoy boners.
Social Characters – The Douchebag
Ah, the good ol’ douchebag. Everyone loves to hate these beautiful specimens. Since the inception of the greatest show ever, Jersey Shore, they have become a sort of comedy troupe. Ok, let’s face it, we all wish the worst death upons these flaming cocksucking douchebags. Love ya!
Lady Gaga’s got a choad.
So Lady GaGa had quite an interesting story about her in 2009. Some claimed she was packing a penis under those gold pair of spandex pants. This particular post churned up some pretty fierce comments. Who knew Lady GaGa had such a loyal following? Anyways, it is a pretty awesome claim, and something that TCM just couldn’t past up sharing with you all. Hell, we even had a reason as to what her choad really was. Boy we are good.
The SI Swimsuit Rookies
Unbelievably hot women in scandalously clad swimsuits is a recipe for just plain awesome. This is a 3 part series which highlights the rookies of Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Issues. There is no clear winner, they would all receive the Calder Trophy in my book.
How to give a haduken
No, its not down, right, punch. It’s hand, ass, fart, face. This is widely used in the TCM offices. No one is safe from the power of the Haduken. Even you at home. FYI, I just Hadukened you all while reading this.
A Brief Sexual History Of Kelly Kapowski
Well, some of us here were fans of the show Saved by the Bell and others *cough* Flintheart *cough* are obsessed. If saved by the bell was real life, Flintheart would have a restraining order on him from Kelly Kapowski. She is hot though…or was…either way Flintheart would bang her if she was dead. All jokes aside though folks, bestiality is a serious issue.
Celebrities That Look Like Other Celebrities: Part 2
This part of the series was just astounding. That black guy from The Office bears a striking resemblance to the black trainer guy from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out. Don’t believe me? Click on that link above and apologize.
Top 10 3rd World Nations
We have brought you many Top 10’s and honestly we could do a Top 10 about our Top 10’s. But this one is personally my favorite…not because I wrote it, just because of the retarded premise. Read and thank god that you live where you live…unless you live in one of the names countries. Sorry.
Social Characters: the Out of Control Facebooker
Like Polish states in this post, some of you out there need to cool it with the Facebooking. Who gives a flying fuck that you have enough money to grow corn crops in your Farmville game. Don’t even get us started on the Mafia Wars. Just click the link above to see the rant…you will learn a thing or 2.
Jersey Shore: The True Hollywood Story
You know TCM couldn’t pass up writing a post about this great show. If TV had a hall of fame, this show would have been inducted already even though it has only had 4 episodes. Well read on, cause this explains what these stars do in real life away from douching it up at the Jersey Shore.
With great sideburns comes great responsibility
Ever been in a tragic situation? If you have, who is the first person you flock to. A man with a beard and sideburns. Facial hair in general comes great responsibility. Look at Santa Claus, that mother fucker is expected to deliver toys to all good boys and girls around the world in one night. Polish says that’s impossible but he also said it was impossible for the guy in 40 Year Old Virgin to get laid. Yea so, we are still hard at work in the TCM laboratory figuring this one out. Stay tuned.
Animals Specifically Designed to Kill Shit
I am in love with this series and I hope you all are too. I can’t narrow it down to one specific post, so here are all 3 in their bloody glory. Sharks, Bears & Dunkleosteus. My suggestion, don’t get caught one on one with one of these animals. They will eat you, shit you out then eat you again.
Beginner’s Guide to a Public Bathroom
This is one of our earlier posts by the recently departed Captain Kirk. For those who are terrified of taking shits in public, fear no more, Kirk has got your hairy, pimply ass covered. Shit away my friend, shit away.
There you have it pee holes, the best from 2009. If you have any other favorites not listed, let us know.
Stay tuned in 2010. Greater, dumber things will be coming your way.