Alright, so I’m sure you’ve all seen the video and and read the news (today, oh boy…) about 17 year old Steve Consalvi getting fucked up by a taser (did you know sometimes getting tasered can make you shit your pants?). I was going to write about how fucking funny this is, until I realized that Philadelphia fans, although always known as douchebags, are stepping it up a notch this year. Frankly, I blame the city itself.
On top of the retard that is Steve Consalvi (welcome to 5 grand in fines and public humiliation, fuckface) there are 2 other complete tools that have infested the Phillies stadium this year.
Let’s get to the least reported, yet utterly disgusting one:
Meet Matthew Clemmens
This fat motherfucker pulled some serious shit. At a Phillies game in early April, Sir Fat Fuck decided it would be a good idea if he PUKED on an 11-year old girl. Now, I can’t quite figure out how much puke there was, but he’s fat and was drunk, so let’s just assume this was some serious Lard-Ass-from-Stand-By-Me type of puke. I’m sure you can guess why he has a black eye: the girls dad was an off-duty police officer, and he got knocked the fuck out. Mr. Clemmens here was charged with disorderly conduct, simple assault (simple? there’s nothing simple about this), reckless endangerment, harassment and related offenses. Congratulations!
On to tool bag number 2.
Thomas Betz decided to copy Steve Consalvi to ‘prove a point’ that you don’t need to taser anyone when they jump onto the field. What? Good old Tommy boy is an ‘aspiring’ DJ who calls himself ”Thorobred”. Dude, once you’re 34, you can’t aspire to do anything but lose that gut and get some new shorts. He somehow got charged with drug possession in the midst of all this.
So, my question to all this is: what the fuck is going on in Citizens Bank Ballpark?