I’m sure everyone has been to a social club, aka the bar once in their lifetime. If not, then please move away from this post, you will not understand what we are talking about. For those who have been, we have all fraternized with people at these “social clubs”. Well here at TCM, we would like to introduce a new series to our site called Social Characters. Here we will discuss the types of people who attend these bars and what they possibly could be in the real world.
Today we will be talking about the douchebag. I figured this would be a good inaugural post since everyone hates these people. And yes you hate yourselves too you douchers.
First we will look at the definition of a “douchebag”:
A person with a shitty personality that needs to “take themself the fuck down” or “go home and get their fucking shine box.” A douchebag usually assumes the form of a hair-gelling pretty-boy but can also be described as an overzealous, pompous, or vexatious asshole that most people wish were killed with a Mortal Kombat fatality.
Well where does it all begin? I would assume birth. Are they genetically predetermined to be a master of the douche? Science is currently trying to figure that out and an answer is hopefully not to far in the future. We will try and figure this answer out ourselves.
Douchebags have been around for centuries. Such popular examples are all of England’s Kings, Ty Pennington and Terrell Owens (This guy could be in a whole category of his own doucheness, but we won’t delve into that this go round) just to name a few.
We here at TCM believe in order to find out why they became a douche is to look at their parents. How you are brought up ultimately is how you act later in life. Take raising a dog for example. If you are mean to it growing up, it will be mean to others as it lives its life. This then brings us to our “Mobile Theory”. All of us normal people had mobile’s in our cribs growing up. You know, the baby chandeliers that hung above our cribs playing baby music so you would fall asleep. Well the douche mothers of the baby douchers totally ignored this object and used their douchebags (the actual object) to hang over the crib and help put the soon to be douchebaby asleep, hence the douchebag name and personality. Now before you object this theory, think about it for a second. If you grow up around British people, you will have a British accent. So, if you grew up with a douchebag (again talking about the object), you will be a douchebag. Ah, now it makes sense. I could go into detail about how they got their spiked hair (a leak in the bag), but I might gross a few people out, so I will leave that one up to you all.
The color pink. Why this color? The popped collar. Why popped? Is it a sign that you are insecure without your mommy? Is it that you need the color (pink) and shape (popped collar) of her snatch surrounding you to make you feel comfy and warm? It’s quite a possibility. It could also be because you absolutely suck at life. Speaking of life…what is it that these douchebags do for a living? They could be many things part-time…but you will always be a full-time douchebag.
Once you step into the realm of orange skin, blown-out hair, pink clothing, popped collars, oversized sunglasses, absurdly large fake jewelry and just being an overall asshole there is no way out. Well, there technically are 2 ways out. The first is the most obvious, death. The second is a no hold’s barred steel cage match with George “The Animal” Steele. This guy used to eat the friggen turnbuckle. Who knows what the fuck he would do to your doucheass. But, if you happen to beat The Animal, you can be cleared of your doucheness. 100% says since you are a douchebag, you will shit/douche your pants, cry and then be eaten by Mr. Steele. Well if you think about it, its a win-win situation for all of us because even if you lose, you will be eaten and therefore cease to exist clearing you of douchebaggery.
So douchebags, if you are reading this please do the human race a HUGE favor and go jump into an active volcano.
If you have any suggestions about this or future Social Character posts, please let us know by commenting below.
Times the word douche was used in this memo: