As you know, every month we salute a certain “Captain”. Paying homage to their positives and negatives. Well, this month is no different, we will be saluting everyone’s favorite Captain, Captain Hook.
Let me disclaim you all first: The story you are about to read is 100% real and 100% fucking ridiculous.
Let’s start at the beginning. Charles or Captain Hook as we was later to be known, grew up as a privileged young man. His parents were the upper class of British society. Charles had nannies, servants, slaves, clowns, anything you can think of. He was an extremely fortunate to have such wealth in a time where you were either super rich or shit ass poor. Growing up, he rarely saw his parents as they were about gallivanting the globe looking for more riches. This angered Charles because he was being raised by his hot ass nanny (I had to throw that in there) and not his parents. You must be asking yourself, “Why would this anger Charles? I would LOVE a hot nanny”. Well you see folks, little to everyone’s knowledge plus his own, Charles was a homosexual. That’s right, the ever famous Captain Hook was gay. Why do you think he was always surrounded by boys in a place called Neverland and the only girl was about the size of a baby squirrel? I could insert some sort of offensive Michael Jackson joke, but that would be expected of me, so I’ll just continue.
You see Charles grew a hatred towards society since he was home schooled and rarely got to play with other children. The children he did see out when in public would taunt and make fun of him for being “different”. Charles did not like this. As he got older, he got smarter and became more angered at society. While walking down the street one day, he saw a flyer posted on the town message board that said, “Pissed off at society? Different from everyone? Love booty? Become a Pirate!” Charles sat there for a few minutes and pondered this idea. He agreed with the flyer’s questions, but still was curious as to what this booty was. He saw a meeting place on the flyer and decided to go and see what this “Pirate Meeting” was all about.
Charles arrived at the meeting place which conveniently was located at the docks. He was dressed in proper English attire where as everyone else was dressed like they just were pooped out of a meat processor. So yea, he kind of stood out. Everyone was asked what their pirate name was, when it was Charles turn he said, Captain Chuck. Everyone laughed at him saying that he was a captain? Charles knew he had to act quickly. So he took a sword from a nearby pirate and stabbed him. Upon doing that everyone stopped laughing and let out a simultaneous YAR! Charles is now known as Captain Chuck.
Several years pass as Captain Chuck pillaged and swashbuckled his way throughout the seven seas with his boatswain Smee at his side who too was questionable about his sexuality. One day Chuck’s boat, the Jolly Roger, was approaching an island that was not on the map. In the distance Smee saw through his scope a sign a-top a mountain that said Neverland. Captain Chuck had to have it. Upon docking at Neverland, he was greeted by a gang of young boys. In front of the gang was the leader Peter Pan. Captain Chuck thought to himself, “Jackpot!”. He extended his hand to Peter, but Peter being an abused child was quick to draw his knife and slice off Chucks hand. In a fit of rage, Peter picked up the freshly sliced hand and threw it into the croc pit where it was devoured. Chuck screaming his head off in pain ran back to the boat followed by his crew. From this point forward, Captain Chuck was destined to kill Peter Pan and the Neverland boys. He realized his name, Captain Chuck was not bad ass enough to scare off his enemies. So, he quickly changed his name to Captain Chubbs Peterson (You know because his hand was eaten by an alligator…heh?). Smee and his fellow mates did not like the name and suggested, since he now has a hook as a hand, Captain Hook.
Captain Hook he was now known as. He hoped this would strike fear into the Neverland boys hearts…not really, he wished it made them love him because remember…Hook is gay. Everyone knew he was gay, but to try and prove them wrong, he called up the only girl on the island to go on a date; Tinkerbell. To his surprise, she accepted. Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? Let alone, a fairy that was the size of Sly Stallone’s nutsack…tiny. Well hook tried, but couldn’t do it. He loved men…and Peter Pan. So, Hook was left unsatisfied. After Tinkerbell left, Hook was sitting around trying to find a way to destroy the Neverland boys when he heard a ticking sound over starboard. He looked down and saw nothing, so he went back to plotting. The ticking became louder and Hook was super curious to see what it was. Bam, it happened. Before he could react, he was being raped by a crocodile that had a taste for him since eating his hand several days earlier. Hook tried to get the croc off of him, but remembering what happened before with Tinkerbell leaving him unsatisfied, he allowed the croc to do his business…
Ok, this just got fucking stupid. You all know the story to Peter Pan. So, we salute you Captain Hook for being Captain of the Month for November.
Cut. Print. Gay.