The Captain we will be highlighting this month is everyone’s favorite breakfast pirate, Cap’n Crunch.
No doubt about it, Cap’n Crunch is a well respected, delicious cereal. But there is a high profile conspiracy surrounding this golden cereal; that it cuts the roof of your mouth. Goddamnit it does! The reason no one has brought this to the legal systems attention because it is too damn delicious to notice it slicing the roof of your mouth like an angry Mexican after being caught trying to jump the border. Its true. But that is not why we are here today. We are here to honor the man himself, Cap’n Crunch.
Let’s begin where it all started, in a crystal meth lab somewhere in Wisconsin. Upon finishing their latest batch, one meth head was too impatient to try their product, lit his lighter and BOOM…an explosion. After the dust cleared and the meth heads awoke from being unconscious, they noticed a small man dressed in blue. They couldn’t quite make him out until it was too late. It was reported the last thing they heard before being killed was, “Crunch-a-tize that bitches”. And Cap’n Crunch was born.
As ridiculous as that sounds, listen to this. This is taken from Cap’n Crunch’s Wikipedia’s page, so you know it has to be true…..
On May 21, 2009 Judge Morrison England, Jr. of the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of California dismissed a complaint filed by a woman who said she had purchased “Cap’n Crunch with Crunchberries” because she believed “crunchberries” were real fruit. The plaintiff, Janine Sugawara, alleged that after four years of purchasing the product she had only recently discovered to her dismay that said “berries” were in fact simply brightly-colored cereal balls. The judge commented “In this case,… it is simply impossible for Plaintiff to file an amended complaint stating a claim based upon these facts. The survival of the instant claim would require this Court to ignore all concepts of personal responsibility and common sense. The Court has no intention of allowing that to happen.
If I was Judge England, I would order this woman a swift kick in the cunt and then probably flogged by a bunch of autistic children…that only know how to flog. A) You do not disrespect the Cap’n. B) Crunchberries are goddamn delicious and how dare you mock them and C) you are a stupid stupid woman.
This then brings us to all the types of Cap’n Crunch’s. There was Cap’n Crunch Crunch Berries, Peanut Butter Crunch, Punch Crunch, Vanilly Crunch, Cinnamon Crunch, Choco Crunch, Christmas Crunch, Oops, All Berries, Galactic Crunch, Choco Doughnuts, Home Run Crunch, Cap’n Crunch’s Mystery Volcano Crunch, Cap’n Crunch’s Oops! Smashed Berries and Cap’n Crunch’s CoZmic Crunch. Jesus Cap’n sellout much?
A majority of these different cereals had their own “mascot” if you would. Take a look below at Team Crunch.
Each mascot had their own special super power:
- Sea-Dog had the ability to get outrageously drunk and rape a wench or 2.
- Harry the Hippo suffered from depression, and when upset would eat people.
- Smedley the Elephant was addicted to crack which allowed him to fly and take enormous dumps on things
- Crunchberry Beast was legally insane and could kill a man just with his stare.
- Jean LeFoote was French…nuff said.
- Chockle the Blob had the ability to shape shift…his favorite shape was a gigantic flying penis (see image above, bottom left of Choco Crunch box)
There you have it children, Cap’n Crunch and his gang of terrorists have had a major influence on all of our lives…especially fucking up the roofs of our mouths.
**Side Note My next suggestion for a fighting video game, a Mortal Kombat style fighter using all the cereal characters. I don’t know about you, but I would like to impale that goddamn Trix Rabbit with Crunch’s sword.