Sharks rate pretty high on the list of most badass things ever. One reason is well, they are sharks. They were pretty much specifically designed to kill shit. They weren’t designed for baking cakes, flying planes or being bellboy’s at a 5 star hotel. They were designed to completely destroy fish, humans or anything else that gets in their way. Unfortunately for sharks though, there are 5 beasts out there who can easily take them down. Almost as easy as racing a blind one legged man with half a lung. He had you there through the beginning part but his half lung eventually caught up with him and he died.
Ok! On to the monsters!
I have spoken about this guy in one long run on sentence before. His nickname is “The Shark Eater”, so right there alone tells us that this dude eats sharks. I wouldn’t say eat sharks, more along the lines of crushing sharks. These dudes didn’t really have teeth, they had massive jaws. Jaws that could crush your 1987 Chevy Celebrity with ease. I figured I would start off with “Dunkie” because sharks were actually a part of his diet when he was alive. I can’t really write a follow up post on 5 Monsters That Could Eat A Dunkleosteus because I would have jack shit to write about. This guy was at the super top of the food chain. He sat up there with his gold plated cane and his over-sized Burger King crown and laughed at anyone who tried to challenge him. This most certainly included sharks. When a shark tried to bite into him, the sharks teeth would break due to the armor that encased Dunkie thus rendering the shark helpless making them a nice afternoon snack. But fortunately for us and sharks, the Dunkleosteus went extinct due to his pompous attitude. Creatures of the sea became very unhappy with how Dunkie ruled and eventually was overthrown. He then went into some serious depression, started doing heroin, hanging out with the wrong crowd and eventually disappeared never to be seen again. We assume he is dead.
There are many depictions of the Kraken. Some say it is a gargantuan octopus, others say it is a 200 foot tall pissed off merman with 4 arms, but there are about 7 of us who think it is Ke$ha’s vagina. But, for the sake of being badass, we will refer to the 2010 version of the movie, Clash of the Titans. Don’t know if any of you have seen the movie but this Kraken guy pretty much was in charge. At the end of the movie, the God called Liam Neeson summoned the Kraken to destroy the humans because they didn’t want to worship them anymore. Because it was a film, this dude on a flying horse comes in and saves the day. But in real life, nothing would have stopped this killing machine. Not even sharks. This guy is so friggen huge, he eats sharks like he was grabbing a bunch of peanuts out of a bowl in a bar. That’s actually his snack when he is home watching his 800 foot wide HDTV. A bowl of mixed sharks. He actually goes to Costco to get them. They come in a bunch of varieties. His favorite however is the mixed pack. It has all of his favorites: Great Whites, Tiger Sharks, Bull Sharks, Blue Sharks, and even the elusive Mega Mouth Shark. The Mega Mouth Shark are compared to the walnuts in the mixed pack because there aren’t too many, but just enough.
We have touched upon this monster before. If you don’t remember, click on that link I just so conveniently gave you. As I stated previously, the Tarasque cannot be killed by conventional weapons. This includes conventional sharks. The only way to “tame” a Tarasque is to send a woman to charm it. So the Tarasque is pretty much like any man would be to a hot woman. The Tarasque, when not being hit on by girls, has a pretty good appetite. Coming from the sea, one would have to think that his diet consists of manatee’s, swordfish and sharks. Why manatee’s? Well you figure for every 2 meals that are tougher to get, you are going to want an easy quick meal. Kind of like a hot pocket. Manatee’s are the hot pockets of the sea for animals as large as our boy the Tarasque. Sharks are not an easy catch, they are fast, agile and they bite. But the Tarasque loves eating sharks. He told me on the phone last week.
Godzilla is a legend around the globe. I grew up wanting to be Godzilla, but last week I realized that I am human and Godzilla is a 50 foot reptile that breathes fire. So my dreams being crushed, I needed to find a way to cope. So I sat and watched a butt load of Godzilla films excluding of course the 1998 piece of shit that Hollywood tried to remake. Actually watching these movies got me the inspiration to do this post. I noticed the lack of sharks in Godzilla films. And I also noticed the lack of Godzilla eating…at all. So I got to thinking, Godzilla must eat sharks. I mean you rarely see him underwater in his home. Who knows what he has stocked in his fridge. I am guessing a half full jar of pickles, some mountain dew and possibly a pineapple. I just don’t know. I am assuming when he is feeling adventurous, he goes out and eats sharks. But that is just an assumption. Not to say he really eats sharks, but if he wanted too, you bet your ass he could. The great thing about it too is having the ability to breathe fire. It makes cooking rather convenient to say the least. Let’s say Godzilla likes his sharks well done. He could easily sneak up behind a Great White, snatch him and cook him until desired doneness. All by using his mouth…in a non-sexual way of course. So there you have it, Godzilla can and quite possibly will eat sharks. And babies.
Whales usually don’t pose much of a threat to anyone except maybe plankton and this guy. If any of you have read the classic novel, Moby Dick, starring Captain Ahab, you will know that that whale has some serious attitude issues. His issues might or might not be related to the fact that Ahab is on a constant quest to kill him. Ahab though has his reasons. Moby Dick destroyed his boat and bit off his leg. I’d say that’s a perfect recipe for revenge. But we aren’t here to speak of Ahab and his attempts to kill Moby Dick. We are here to speak of Moby Dick eating sharks. There is a rumor currently circulating the office that Moby Dick is in fact part sperm whale, part Great White Shark. It is obviously unheard of in this day and age for a whale and shark to mate. It can be compared to say a turtle fucking a shoe. It just isn’t natural. And no, the Whale Shark is not living proof. It just so happens to be as big as a small whale, but it is a shark and has the mentality of someone who has smoked pot for the past 19 years, daily. Moby Dick can in fact eat a shark. For one, it is larger than a shark. Two, it bit off Captain Ahab’s leg which right there gives us the tell tale sign that it has the taste for flesh be it human or fish. And three, it is possibly the most pissed off animal in the sea. Last time Flintheart messed with a pissed off animal, he wasn’t shitting properly for at least 2 weeks.
So there you have it folks, 5 monsters that can eat sharks. So next time you are in the water and encounter a shark, just laugh at him knowing that something can and will eat him. Then call a funeral home for your dead ass self because sharks don’t like to be laughed at.